Vampira's Journal

A Dare From Madi

2007-06-16T09:42:00.000-05:00

asked for Eliza to dare me to post something, but Madi sent me a offline message asking about a dare. I accepted. So here it is. I made a sim version of Eliza and Vincent. They look nothing like them, but it was fun playing the family. I hope Eliza enjoys seeing the pictures again and others enjoy it as well. Oh and I am sure I can get a video up soon so maybe tomorrow or a few days from now.

And just because my mind likes to wonder, please enjoy some Harry Potter sims.
Draco making fun of Harry and Harry getting sad about. Ha ha

And evidence why the Hermione and Draco ship will never in a million years work!!

Just Thinking

2007-04-23T04:42:00.000-05:00

Sorry for the lack of any posts. Everything is going well. Just nothing much to write about. Filling out papers for college. Will be so happy when all that is over and college actually starts. I know I probably mention it the last time or maybe the time before this, but usually I dread the start of school but this year is different. Not sure if I mention that I have decided to stay in the dorm. Really think it will do me good to get away from home for awhile. I haven’t heard about and don’t know when I will hear who I have as a roommate. I am sure someone told me you find out before school starts so you are able to meet them in person ,and if it so happens that you have a problem you can change before school starts.
I do have a question though. During high school I didn’t tell anyone about this blog , so I wonder should I tell my college friends( hoping that I make some) about it? Should it stay my dirty little secret ? I haven’t told any one in real life about it so not sure why I would want to tell any of my college friends about it. Since it is easier for me to write my thoughts out rather then speak them maybe my friends would be able to know me better as a person. I don’t I was just thinking about it recently.

I Got Accepted!!

2007-02-17T20:38:00.000-05:00

Got accepted to one of the colleges I applied to!! Still going to wait for the paper from the other one though. It shouldn't be too much longer till I get that one since I sent that application one day after this one.Hopefully will get it tommorrow. I'm still not sure where I want to go and still having a hard time trying to decide. I was shocked when my mom told me I got something from one of the schools. I didn't rush to open it , because even though I was trying to stay positive I had doubts about getting in. It just feels like a dream now and I'm scared I am going to wake up. I had to read it twice before it I could accept the news. I went running into the living room to tell my mom. She had to read over the paper too just to make sure I hadn't read it wrong. Anyway just really really happy at the moment. So can't wait till school starts.

I have been Gone for way too Long

2007-01-28T18:21:00.000-05:00

I am very sorry for not updating in forever. I know that most of my post have been rants and not poems. I haven't been writing that much. Well that is not true. I have been writing almost every night , but it is more of a story. Nothing much has been going on to update about . I did take my SAT test. It went fine. Better then I thought it was. Tomorrow I will be going to get papers for college. I am going to try to start writing poems again and just updating more. I thank all of you who commented and will comment in the future. Christmas was great. I got a new Ipod and have been having fun putting music, tv shows and movies on that. Other then that everything is the same. Hopefully when I start college things will get better and I will be excited about updating again. I hope everyone else has been doing well. I need to check all the blogs again. I let the the days go by and forgot about it. January is almost over and I can't believe how fast the time has been going.
I am not looking forward to Feburary. It's a bad month for two reasons. One being Valentine's day. When you are single it's awful to see other people in relationships and being all lovey dovey. It just reminds you how alone you feel. Doesn't help that every time you get on the net there is an add to buy gifts for that special person or the store is full of Valentine's supplies. After it passes it doesn't matter as much but until then it is pretty bad. No matter how much you look over it , it still bothers you . The other reason is that my grandmother died on Feburary 10. It doesn't seem that she is gone . My mind just hasn't got used to saying those words. It's hard not seeing her or hearing her voice. Sometimes I push it to the back of my mind , but it always comes back. I was so sure she would be there when I went off the college. That just makes Feburary all that worst to think about.
I am going to try to make up for all the days I missed updating. I will try to write more poems so I will have something to update about. I am sorry to those that have been looking for updates or just wondering why I haven't said anything. Everything is going fine. Looking foward to college and have narrowed it down to two. Will be sending out applications soon . So so looking forward to going back to school. It it nice having time off but it starts getting boring really fast.

A Second Chance

2006-10-28T16:59:00.000-05:00

Though the other day didn't work out the way I had hoped Friday turned out better. My cousin called me and apologized for the the other day. She also agreed to take me out to make up for not coming the other day.I called my mom at work to inform her that we would be going out . So at about 3:00 pm my cousin came to pick me up. When I first got in the car I told her I had to be back before 6:00 since it was Friday and my dad would be over at that time. It was raining the whole time we were out. Not that I mind since I love the rain just not the best day to go out but we weren't really walking out in it that long so didn't really matter. We first stopped at the place she used to work out so she could pick up her check. Then went walmart. Didn't stay there long. She had to pick out a new hair dye and after that we went to go pay for it then left. Next we went to go to pick something to eat. She said she would pay for it though I did have mine own. I thanked her for that. Since it was still early we drove back to her apartment.
It was sort of uncomfortable there. She shares this apartment with her ex-boyfriend and his friend. She is planning on moving out since they fight all the time and move back home with her mom. We said there and ate until about five. At that time we had to head back to my house. It took a little longer then I thought it would. We got to my house around 6:00 and my dad was already here. I apologized for being a bit late but my mom and dad understood. As with every other Friday my dad brought pizza. After we ate , he got on my computer to play a game he brought and I watched Meerkat Manor. Since it was four episode it ended at 9:00. After that we flipped through the channels , watched a bit of a scary movie not much though. Had to go to bed around midnight to wake up early since my dad had work in the morning.
After my dad left I went back to sleep but could sleep long since my aunt had planned to come down today so we could go out. Didn't know my other aunt and cousin was going as well so that was an added surprise though it is still a bit odd when the whole family goes out. I am not sure if things will ever be normal between us but for now we are tying to make it work. We went out to eat then to K-mart. Christmas stuff is out with tons of Halloween stuff. I'm not sure if I will be going out on Halloween or not. My cousin only mentioned a Halloween party once. But it could still happen. Bought one book and that was it for me. That I can now cross off my Christmas list. I know I can't get the Sims 2 Pets for one probably with wanting an Ipod for Christmas can't get many of other gifts. Also not sure if I have enough room on the computer to play it. Just got the first one to work so trying not to mess that up.
After K-mart went to the Goodwill for a bit. Usually we get a few books and that is about it. But go to look around anyway. Didn't stay too long in there either. Since it was about four or so then had to get home. It's never really about where we go it is just getting out that is nice. Though it was cold today. Will start getting colder though. The only reason I like the cold is for snow. But it makes going out difficult and if it is the icy snow just a pain to even go anywhere at all. For the most part we don't get out when it snows unless it is just a light dusting or the roads are cleared in time. Since it snows worse where my aunt lives it is hard for her to get to work so she doesn't come down on the weekends if it is snowing or if the weather channel is calling for snow.
With November almost here I thought I would have my SAT looming in my mind. But that of course has been moved back. Now must wait till December but probably early December. Though my cousin has invited me to a party in November. Not sure whether I will go or not. If I do it will be for a maybe a hour or two then she will take me how and go back. First off I won't know anyone but her and her boyfriend. So sort of nervous about that. I know her friends names and she has told me a bit about them but that is all. I know I need to be more social. Also I have never been to an actually party. Though that should make me want to go more it makes me just more nervous. I feel if I don't go that I will sit at home and wish I had gone but then on the other hand if I go and have an awful time or something wish I would of stayed home. But I have agreed to go last time we went out so as of now I am going but that could change.

A Broken Promise

2006-10-26T20:39:00.000-05:00

I was going to post something happy.It was going to be about how I spent the day out with my cousin ad her new boyfriend. My cousin and I were suppose to go out at one today and stay out till five. Instead I waited four hours for her to come. During this time I received to calls saying she was going to come and one call to inform me she was her with her boyfriend but that we weren't going out. Last time she told me she started early to go see her boyfriend's family. This time the reason we couldn't go out was that her boyfriend was off work so I guess they spent the day together. I am not trying to be selfish but I believe she could of called me some time during those four hours to tell me that she was spending time with her boyfriend and that we needed to pick another day to go out. She said she would be on later and maybe we can talk about going out tonight, which would be great. One problem my mom will get mad since we probably won't get back till one like the last time we went out late.
It is not good to dwell on the past. Must always look to tomorrow. So maybe we will reschedule once again. Then maybe I will have once again something happy to post. It is not good to depend too much on others. We had made plans though. We talked about going out for two days. I was pretty sure she was going to com over . I wouldn't of been so disappointed if she had like I said before called to inform me that she was busy spending quality time with her boyfriend. No I had to find out from someone else. Trust me all the excitement about going out died during those hours of waiting. It was burned and twisted until it it turned to worry, confusion , sadness and a bit of rage.
There was a logical reason for her not coming. It is not that that bothers me . It is the fact I had to learn that reason from another source then her.Also is the fact that I waited there for all that time not knowing anything. Unaware of what was going on. So there was a bit of worry on my part that maybe something bad had happened. Yes a promise was made by my aunt to go out Saturday, which means I will be getting out some during the weekend. It is barely the same though. It is one thing to go out with your family and go out shopping , out to eat and etc. It is quite another to go out with yes family , but family my own age. Who I am able to talk with and actually have fun with. I have fun when I go out with my mom and aunt , but after awhile it gets old watching people my age out with their friends and knowing that I am not out with any of my friends from school. I am trying to write off this incident but it gets me to thinking how many times will I have to wonder if when my cousin and I make plans, if said plans will actually work out? Next time it happens hopefully an explanation will be given early so that when I hear the sound of the neighbors outside I won't keep thinking it it my cousin.
Today started with a happy call and excitement of another happy day out of the house and around someone my own age. Today started out will plans that would last a whole day one would say. Today started out with hope and joy. I was going to be posting what we had done today. What stores we went too or just walked around in. If we stopped for lunch or just came back early to get a snack here and watch a movie. Maybe we would of went window shopping in the mall again or maybe just walking around walmart for an hour or so. Maybe the day would of been filled of just driving around and not going anywhere in particular. So times it is better just to get out and do nothing then stay inside and wonder what do with the day.
Maybe I am being selfish. Maybe I depend to much on my cousin . I am not trying to sound that way. We had made plans that I thought we were keeping. I am used to people saying something and keeping to that. Maybe I wouldn't of been so sad or mad if she had thought to told me that she wasn't planning on going out. Maybe if I had real life friends none of this would matter and I would be going out anyway. Yes I could go out if I wanted but it isn't much fun to go out on one's own especially since my mom does not like me getting out alone no matter what she says. I bet if I went out while she was at work alone she would no matter the time of day she would get made some how. Maybe I am jumping to conclusions again. I was planning on typing something happy and not what I am typing now . Since I had thought that our plans were going to actually well, go to plan. But I must be crazy. What was I thinking? When ever this family makes plans to do something they fail for some reason . Maybe it is just our luck. We are unable to stick to plans. We just get up and go with no idea in mind with where we are going.
Maybe it wouldn't of been so bad if she hadn't of come over just to spend ten minutes or so here without really explaining out all why the plans had failed. Maybe it doesn't matter. It mattered to me thought. She wasn't the one waiting for four hours for someone to arrive. She wasn't the one that was confused at why that person wasn't coming. She wasn't the one that always feels left out no matter what. She isn't the one sitting inside while the other was outside being happy. And most of all she isn't the one that has to write this. To her it didn't seem to matter because she had a good day with someone. She wasn't alone and expecting to be having a great day out. Every situation looks different through different eyes. One thing can appear awful to somone but good to another. Maybe I cared alittle too much about the plans we had made. I should look at this from her point of view. Then the day would feel so terrible.
Also on top of all of this I got my SAT resigration back. We didn't pay enough so we have to send it back out . Meaning I won't take the test till December. Anyway, hopefully we will do something fun tomorrow or if not I am going out saturday. I should stop worrying about my small problems and focus on the larger and more importnat things in life. But everyone sees a problem and a worry differently . What might be bad to one is not bad at allto another. I am trying not to dwell on this and just forget about it then move on. Excitment was shattered when what seemed like the soild truth was a whitewashed lie and nothing more then a broken promise.

Time For A Meme

2006-10-21T22:53:00.000-05:00

Want to play? Comment and I'll choose a letter for you. You then find 5 songs that start with that letter and post them in your journal or on your blog.

Lia aka Boheme 06 choose the letter C for me.

Crash and Burn by Savage Garden: First of all I love this group though I have only heard a few other their songs. I think this song in perticluar is very beautiful. This songs makes me both happy and sad. Sad that unlike the song I have no one to catch me when I crash and burn but happy because in a way I do. My parents are there and so are my friends online.

Complicated by Avril Lavigne : Doesn't really relate all that well but I like a lot of songs that hardly relate to me at all. Though in a way it could relate to me . I tend to act one way around
my friends and other people and one way around my online friends. It's like I am two spearate people. It is better to be yourself and be happy with that no matter who you are around. Though that can be hard for certain people when you want to fit in with your friends. But it is much better to be hated for who you truly are then be loved for someone you aren't.

Cry by Faith Hill : This song speaks personally to me. When ever I hear it makes me think of the people that might of hurt me indirectly. One person in perticlular , a boy of course. How if they could just be sad even for a moment my tear and pain wouldn't seem so bad. If they could see how much I cried at night and feel the same those tears would of been in vain or hurt my heart so much. Maybe if they were sad for just a moment I could put all the pieces of my broken heart together. When ever I hear this song that is what I think about.

Come Clean by Hilary Duff : When ever I hear this song it makes me think of starting a clean slate. Starting each day a new but coming to deal with a past mistake . Maybe not even a mistake. Just telling some about myself or coming to deal with something that has happened or is happening at the moment. If I tell someone how I feel I can start the next day a new without worry or fear of hiding that part anymore.

Celebrity by Brad Paisely : Basically this one song I can listen to over and over and never get sick of and it is very funny. The video is funny too.

For some reason my cousin didn't call or im me though she appeared to be on by away at the moment. Maybe she meant another saturday or we might reschedule tomorrow. Will update soon as I know something. I was really excited about today since it was suppose to a early start out but staying out as late as the last time we went out. So basically an all day out with cousin and her boyfriend.

A Late Night Out

2006-10-19T21:00:00.000-05:00

Yesterday night , I got on Msn Messenger again and my cousin was on . We talked awhile and she finally asked if she could come over. I said yes and about ten minutes of so late she comes over. After I got off chat I did inform my mom that she would be coming so it wouldn't be quite a surprise. I thought maybe we would stay here and watch some TV or a movie. We all watched TV for a bit but I guess my cousin got bored with that so she said that maybe we should go to the mall or something just to walk around. By now it was almost 8:30 pm or so. I thought we would walk around for thirty minutes or so. My cousin and I head out of the house. Takes about five minutes to get to the mall. We walk around for a bit. We went in to a bookstore, some Christmas shop, and basically just looking at the other stores. My cousin heads back to house to pick up something she forgot . She then gets a call from her new boyfriend and that he wants to meet at another mall. She asks me if I want to go with her. I agree since this is the first time I have been out of the house with people my age in it seems like forever. It takes longer to get to this mall, since my cousin takes the long way and it is also further from my house. Actually didn't really go to the mall went to the walmart near the mall.
We get there and she pulls up beside her new boyfriend's car. He got there about ten or so minutes before us.This is the first time I have meet her boyfriend . But he turns out to be really nice and very funny . We head into the store. It is maybe about 10:00 now and the store is pretty empty just a few people shopping. I forgot to bring money so didn't buy anything on this trip. It is easy to talk to my cousin about things. A lot easier then my friend at high school.
Basically , we walk down all the aisles of the store. We went to the electronic section first . Her boyfriend was talked about the movies he liked and didn't like as we looked at what the store had available. The had these weird things on some of the DVDs to prevent being from stealing them. They looked quite strange though. After looking at all the movies we head into the arts and crafts aisle and spend some time looking at some candles. Most of the Christmas candles are out and her boyfriend picks one out that he likes. After that we just walk up and down all the food aisles We reach the drink aisle , my cousin's boyfriend has found a shopping cart by now and is pushing that as well though there isn't anything in it but a candle and some snacks, also his coat which is really heavy and why he got the cart.
As we are walking, my cousin boyfriend finds something laying on the ground. It's one of those things when the people who bring the drinks into the store to keep the drinks from falling of the cart thing. I have no idea what it is called, sorry. Anyway, he thinks it will be funny if he walks on that and pushes the cart. He doesn't get to far until he falls. He's not hurt though one of his legs hurts and one of his hands is a little scuffed up. My cousin helps him up and I pick up what falls out of the cart. He got a good laugh out of it. So we go on walking up and down the aisles. We head to the toy aisle this time. Yes the toy aisle. Just so you know my cousin and I are 19 and her boyfriend is 22 . So we probably look crazy being in that there in the first place. While her boyfriend is looking at something, my cousin takes a ball and throws it at him. Not hard of course. He counters by getting one of his own and throwing it at her. We all laugh for a bit and move on. We look at all the toys there. My cousin and boyfriend start playing with some that have buttons that tell you to try them. There were toy hamsters dressed up like ninjas. My cousin turns on two of them and puts them so it looks like they are fighting. I was quite funny. We all started laughing until our sides hurt. Both of them push as many buttons on the toys that have them as they can. So there are tons of toys talking at the same time. We finally decide we have had enough fun and go off into another aisle.
We head to the front of the store and just walk down the makeup aisles and some home office and fishing supplies items. After a few minutes or so they decide it is time to pay for the few items we got and head out. We go down the first available aisle. There is someone a head of us so we talk for a bit . My cousin and boyfriend talk about their other friend who I don't know so I just listen. Well just to be crazy her boyfriend finds one of those horn things that are supper loud when you blow them. People use them at baseball games and such. Again sorry that I can't remember what it is called. Any way he pushes the button on it and the sound it makes echos through the whole store so everyone is looking at us. He decides to buy one. So my cousin head to the party aisle to get one as he puts up the other two items are so that he had in the cart. Once everything is paid for, my cousin gets the bags and we head back to the car. We sit in the parking lot for a bit, walk back into the store to get a drink, and then sit some more and just talk. I mostly listen but talk some.
Soon my mom calls wondering where in the world we are. It can't be that late but after my cousin and her boyfriend kiss goodbye we head home. It takes awhile to get home since again my cousin takes the long way. We talk for a bit about making plans for Saturday and a party that her friend is having in November. We get home safely. I ask her to come in for a bit. My mom isn't that made. Mostly she is just happy for us to be home and she heads off to bed. I look at the clock and am shocked to see that it is 1:30 in the morning!! I have never said out that late before. It is true that when you are having fun time flys. My cousin stays for only five minutes. We talk again about going out Saturday and that party in November which I am sort of nervous about. As I know she invited me to go. Whether I go or not will depend on how I feel about and whether my mom will let me go. I know that being 19 makes me an adult but my mom still worries and I understand why she does. Anyway it was a very fun night out . It was nice to go out with people my age and I never realize how nice it is here at night. It is very beautiful actually. Sometimes we see things in a new way when our situations change. Anyway hope Saturday will be just as fun. Really excited because spending the whole day Saturday out with my cousin and her boyfriend.

>note: I did not mention my cousin or her boyfriend's name for the fact that I am do not feel comfortable about giving that information out.

On The Island Of Hope

2006-10-18T14:26:00.000-05:00

Walking on the shores of loneliness
I felt that loneliness overtaking me.
Pass contacts slowly disappearing from my sight.
Covered in the fear of doubt .
Surrounded in a blanket of fear of the world
Unable to let it go and float into the breeze.
Swimming in the endless sea of sadness.
Trying to stay a float in the power waves of sorrow.
Knowing with ever wave, I was pushed into sadness further.
But one day a island of hope appeared on the horizon.
Far in the distance but close enough to see and finally reach.
First afraid it was but a mirage and only there to trick my mind.
As I swam close, and felt the warm sands against my hands
I realized it was not an illusion but something very real.
I closed my eyes and felt the warm sands of hope against my skin.
Afraid to open them again worried that this would all fade.
Ever so slowly I opened my worrying eyes.
Before me stood that sea of sadness washing over the shores hope.
But the water not truly meet the shore.
Disbelief at this sight overtook my being.
Afraid something would push me back into that sea of sadness.
I clung to the shore and moved further back.
Afraid that it would all fade and once again swimming forever sad and lonely.
Recalling all the moments of the past I let chances slip by.
Watching how lonely I had become.
Dancing in the night but never the light
Depending on dreams for happiness .
But unlike then this was real.
It was not a waking dream made of hope and lies.
It was a waking reality something I could recall and cling to.
How lucky this island of hope appear now when my sadness had reached it’s peak.
Was it always waiting there and I just could not see.
Did I swim by it and forget to look at it in the distance?
Something that was so far seems so close now.
Was it always that close and my mind just turned it to appear so far away?
Forever I am afraid this will fade and become but a dream.
But as many times that I close my eyes it does not fade.
I am washed over with disbelief unable to explain all of what I feel.
After a tiring swim in that seemly endless sea of sadness it strange to be here.
But why do I feel these tears against my cheeks?
Quickly rubbing them away I realize that they are not the tears of sadness.
Far from it that and for the first time in it seems like forever I cry tear of joy.
How can that be reality?
This must be a waking dream it feels so unreal.
So again I slowly close my eyes wanting to be sure that I am not fooled again.
When the tears fade, I once again open my eyes.
But like before the same image is before me.
It is not a dream or some waking shape or form to trick my eyes.
It is reality in all sense of the word.
So hard to accept this as real.
So afraid it will fade into the wind.
But for now sitting on that shore of hope.
Being warmed by the sun of change.
Hoping it will last and I can hold on to it.
For the first time in a long while I smiled and it did not fade.
For the first time in forever things looked for the better.
The sea of sadness seems to drift so far away.
Though this still feels so strange and unreal.
But it is a new beginning.
Something my mind has looked to and wanted for so long.
For the first time in forever a word come off of my lips that seems so strange.
A feeling I have not felt in it seems so long.
All the sadness seemed to kill it until it was but a memory.
But here it is starring me in the face.
I am able to see it and feel it with all my being.
Will try to remember to cling to it as much as I can.
Don’t want it to slip away and fly away.
Sitting here on this warming island of hope
I can honestly say for the first time in it seems forever that I feel a feeling
That I have not felt it seems so long.
I am able to smile for the first it seems time in forever.
When I cry it is out of joy and not out of sadness.
For the first time in almost for forever I am able to say I feel the warming sun of change.
Looking back on the moments of pain seem so far now and they are getting further away.
Sitting on this island of hope that I am clinging to so tightly to.
I feel to overwhelming feeling of belonging and most of all the overwhelming feeling of
Happiness.

Last night while on Msn messenger I got an im from some one I haven’t really talked to in seems so long , my cousin. I know that might sound strange, but it seems like she had her own life now and I had mine . We would not see eachother other then when the whole family wentout. Last night we chatted and she offered to let me meet her friends and her new boyfriend. She offered to take me to parties with her this Halloween and others. For the first time I feel wanted and not so alone. For the first time in like forever I feel happy and like I belong. I hope that this last and it is just phase.

Crashing into Sadness, Falling into Madness

2006-10-14T19:06:00.001-05:00

Crashing into Sadness
Falling into madness.
All the excitement turned into a ocean of tears.
A dream now gone and thrown to the wind..
A joy that will never be.
A choice was made but the mind unclear how to deal .
A solution was found.
A idea the mind had gotten used to smashed to pieces.
All I feel is sadness but not sure why.
Should be fine with the choice someone made.
Mind so blurred and confused at what to think.
A dream is died lost into darkness.
All the joy is but a memory.
Must erase the thought.
Forget and toss it away.
Collect all the tears and forget them.
Let the tears wash away the joy that could have been.
Throw away the excitement.
Send it sailing away in the ocean of tears.
Try not to descend to madness.
Unsure of what to say or think.
So few words.
So many moments that will never be.
But must erase those thoughts .
Throw them to the wind until they become silent.
Crashing into sadness
Falling into madness.
I once saw a dream of hope.
In it’s path darkness.
A joy that had grow into the mind
Now gone.
Lost and buried away.
I should not feel this way.
It was a choice and nothing more.
But sadness remains.
A dream of what could have been.
A joy killed with one simple word.
Will I forever think of what could have been?
Know not what to say .
So many thoughts so many views.
A dream that I looked so forward to.
A hope that I had grow used .
Now gone forever.
I do not judge this choice.
Maybe it is better this way.
Something that was not meant to be.
Trying to stay in the world of reason.
Now mixing with the fantasy one .
All those moments gone lost in the sands of time.
Trying to erase all the joy of it,
Why is it so hard to believe?
Crashing into sadness,
Falling into madness.
Trying to stay afloat in the sea of tears.
A madness over taking .
All I see is pain.
The moments that will never be.
A dream that is died.
Excitement wasted.
A idea that was not meant to be.
It is lost.
Gone forever in the winds.
The sun will rise on a new day but the sadness will remain for awhile.
The pain will gone but a joy is forever lost.
Should not feel this way.
Unable to speak or make a sound.
What will the other voices say?
Will they feel the same?
Will it matter to them?
Guess it was never meant to be.
A solution was found and a choice was made.
Joy was cast aside.
Trying to recover from the shock.
Crashing into sadness
Falling deeper and deeper into madness.

This poem will probably not make much sense. Sometimes it is better to have more questions then answers.

October Already? Halloween Time!

2006-10-01T20:27:00.000-05:00

I can't believe October is already here. Where did September go? During school the months seem to go by so slow but since taking off before college the time seems to be going much faster. Soon Halloween will be here. I would have to say it is my second favorite holiday. Nothing tops Christmas. It kind of stinks when only person in my family is at age where they still go trick or treating. One of my cousin, who is ten, will be the only one going out this year. That's kind of sad. It is usually the same thing ever year , but he and his mom and sister have moved into a new house so might change this year. Haven't been in their new house that long so not sure if they will be go out in the neighborhood. Usually they go to some thing their church has, which is a lot safer since you know the people who you are getting candy from. He hasn't sad what he will be dressing up as. As for myself , I might dress up but not sure. If I do it will be one of the few things I am ever year. That is either a witch or a vampire. Both are easy and cheap costumes. I am not one of those people that go to one of these costumes shops and spends tons of money on a costume I might wear just once. But since I will not be going to any parties or out at all probably I don't really see the point in dressing up at all. During school if Halloween fell on a school day , we could wear the costume to school as long as it did go against any of the school dress codes. Most of my school friends took part in this. I was never brave enough to or I had decided not to dress up that year. Most Halloweens I end up staying home, giving out candy, and watching my favorite Halloween movies. This year will probably be no different. Not sure if we will give out candy or not. We might put up some decorations, if my mom can find them that is. Last year, we didn't get a pumpkin so not sure if we will get one this year. So basically, I will end up watching Hocus Pocus , one of my favorite movies and a movie I can watch over and over. The end of that movie still makes me cry sometimes but it is a great Halloween movie. The cousin who is my age and I used to act it out sometimes. Don't really care about the candy. Will try not to eat any either. But the fun is hearing my younger cousin tell me about his time out and see his costume. Really need to figure out what he is going to be. Know he talked about being Harry Potter once other then that I am clueless . But will update when I know more. As for the rest of my family, well my mom and aunt dress up sometimes for work. If Halloween had fallen on a Saturday , my dad would spend the night watching Halloween movies. Since it is a Monday , he might have the day off and knowing him he will come over and come to the door in some kind of costume. He does things like that. And just for the fun of it I might dress my cat up and if I do will get pictures to post to the blog. But he hates to even wear a collar so that is probably never going to happen. Well anyway if the plans change will update but right now it looks to be staying home and watching movies. Anybody else have some interesting Halloween plans?

In other news, seems the fifth Harry Potter movie will be out by next summer. Yes, still awhile away but good to hear news about it.I am hoping they won't cut alot of the book out for this movie. They did with the forth one and that made me kind of mad. And the problem is the fifth book is longer then that by at least 200 pages or so. I know they can't put everything in but still sad when they cut characters and some of the subplots out. No real news on the seventh book. Know one of the main characters is going to die or so I have read from some of the Harry Potter sites. I swear if Rowling kills Harry one part of my fantasy world is going to die. In college news, right now filling out forms for the SAT that I have to take in November. Will be spending Ocotober studying for it. My one concern no make that two concerns are the essay and the math parts. I am horrible at math. And just over all worried about the essay part. So will be taking as many practice tests for it as I can. Mostly working on the math since that is the area I need improvement in. I am actually excited about college and scared too. I have no idea what to major in! But I had a friend that went without a major in mind and the last time we chatted she was doing fine. Guess I just worry too much. I am cosidering taking a job before I start college and contuine it when I start. I a not totally sure on this but keeping it in the back of my mind. Other then that there is nothing really new or in the least bit interesting happening. Still wanting January to get here sooner since that is when the rest of the first season of Psych aires! Can't wait for the dvd of this show. Unlike other shows I like I will buy the dvd of this one before I get. I would of bought Monk but fours seasons are out already and the dvds are like $50 or something dollars a piece. Might get them for Christmas or something. So basically that is all the news for now.

Why I haven't updated and lots of ranting.

2006-09-19T10:42:00.000-05:00

The Rant

I am sure the few people that even read this are thinking why haven't I updated this in well forever. The simple truth is that I haven't had that much to say lately. I don't have an interesting life where I can update this every single day. I haven't started college yet but will be there soon. I seem to think it is not going to be any different then high school other then the work being harder. Though high school wasn't awful it wasn't the best years of my life in my opinion anyway. Summer hasn't been all that exciting either. We didn't go on any trip or anything. Right now my family has some problems we need to work through. Problems that I can't discuss on here. Though it seems that we have put are differences aside for now , we all now that it could come up again at any time. And now with this new problem , we might once again be split on it. The problems is we try to act like nothing is wrong. We can't discuss the problem without bringing the fighting back up. So we pretend nothing happen, try to move on and hope that works. What it ends up doing is whenever we go out it just feels weird. It hard to stay in the middle ground. But that is where I put myself. I refuse to go to either side. My family is just so complicated sometimes. Sometimes I wonder what being in a normal family feels like. If there is such a thing as a normal family anymore. Sometimes I wonder what it is like having both parents under one roof. What it feels like to have a brother or sister to share things with. And other time just to have a family that gets along. The summer here has been rather lonely. Since school is over I don't talk or see any of my school friends. I talked to one on IM a while ago but it was one of those rare moments when we were both on. It's hard having just school friends. Especially during the summer. Ever notice on tv how most of the main characters are a group of friends ranging from two to four for the most part . They have been friends for like forever. They have those people to talk , to lean on, and just be around. When one only has school friends it is lonely non school days and summer. One finds they have no one to lean on in real life. No one to share with . Most of this is my own fault . I didn't hang out with any of my friends outside or school. Guess I shouldn't complain. So basically over the summer there has only been two good things. A new favorite tv show. Yeah that exciting . But for me it is. And I finally got the Sims 2 to work on the computer. Meaning I might share two of the stories I started on here still not sure though.

Locking Myself Away

Long ago I decided to lock away my heart.
Lock it away and throw away the key.
This way my heart can never be broken.
This way I will never have to put the pieces back together.
Long ago I decided to build a stone wall around my feelings.
They way they can't be hurt.
This way I never cry.
Long ago I decided drown away my thoughts.
Until I become silent.
This way no one can laugh at something I said.
This way I am never embarrassed.
This way I am whispered about .
Long ago I decided to lock away fears .
This way no one knows what scares me.
This way no one can use that against me.
Long ago I decided to lock away my fantasies and dreams.
So I don't have to share them.
This way no one knows.
This way no one judges.
This way no one cares
Because they don't
Long ago I decided to collect my tears in a box.
So no one sees me cry.
Long ago I decided to decided to put away my pain.
This way no one can see when I am hurt.
There now all is locked away.
Now I can't get hurt.
But I was hurt .
And all those tears I had locked away spilled out.
And all the pain I was hiding got worse and harder to hide.
The silence has made it hard to speak.
So I lock the pain deeper inside.
The fear of what others think and say has caused me to lock away more.
So here I stand in shadows prison of my own making.
All the keys are lost.
I can't escape.
Can't speak or ask for help out.
To afraid.
I thought locking myself would protect me from pain
It has only maid it worse.
Now I am alone in this prison.
So very alone.
A Long time ago I locked all of myself away.
Now I am paying for it.
Now I am feeling the hurt from that.
A long time ago I locked my heart away preventing any one from getting close.
Now no one wants to get close.
A long time ago I locked away my thoughts
Now I hardly speak all.
A long time ago I locked away my feelings
Now I can't share them.
Only hide them more and more.
The hurt keeps growing.
A long time ago I locked away the pain.
Now I am afraid to let others see when I am hurt.
A long time ago I locked away my fears.
Now more afraid then ever.
A long time ago I locked away my tears.
Now afraid to let others see me cry.
Afraid they will ask what is wrong.
Afraid to tell them the truth.
A long time ago locked my fantasies and dreams.
Now to afraid to share them at all.
A long time ago I thought it was safe to locked all of myself away.
Now I can't get out of this prison.

Outside Looking In Lyrics
Today while listening to Music Choice I heard this song again. I have to say this song says all of how I am feeling right now. In a way that that is good and in another way it is really sad. It fits so perfectly how I am feeling it is scary.

Lost in a Maze of Sameness

2006-07-24T00:17:00.000-05:00

I feel so lost and alone sometimes
As if no ones cares
They don’t see me.
I feel invisible.
Others pass by
Laughing with their friends
I wonder alone
With only the thoughts in my head to talk to.
TV makes it all seem so simple.
Having friends.
A normal life.
Where the problems are solved so easily
Always solved by the end.
Where life is predictable and so simple.
But is it really ?
Or is it just an illusion made to make us feel better?
To make us laugh at ourselves.
To make us feel better when we want to cry.
Comfort us in a moment of pain.
In real life there are no cue cards
Or scripts to tell you want to say at the right moment
Or how to act to a certain event .
Depending on emotions and inner thought for guidance.
But is that enough?
To scared to speak
To afraid to scream.
To dance.
To sing.
To even laugh sometimes.
The watching eyes of all.
Afraid of what they will think
Swimming in a sea of sadness
Lost in a maze of sameness
No map to lead me out.
No one to help me find the way.
Alone
So very alone.
The light is so dim here.
The voices so low
That they barely make a sounds.
Thoughts are my only friends.
But they offer no comfort.
All my friends are gone.
Lost in the world of the unknown.
The ground is so cold.
I can feel my tears gather on my palm.
Trying to hid the pain from the world.
But does the world even care.?
Does it care about my pain?
These tears I cry?
The scars ?
The cuts and a broken heart?
So one heals the wounds and keeps on walking.
The path might be long.
The road be winding
But one keeps on walking.
Believing that the path will lead somewhere someday
What if it leads to a dead end.?
To a meadow of never-ending dreams
Where one is more lost then found.
And the trip was worth nothing.
Just false hope.
Swimming in a sea of sadness
Lost in a maze of sameness
Where being lost is only half of the fight.
Tears fall like rain.
Closing your eyes lead to nightmares
And being found is a dream long flown away.

All Good Things Must Come to an End.

2006-07-17T20:07:00.000-05:00

Today while I was browsing the Barnes and Noble and the Booksamillion websites I came across something that catch my attention. That item was the the last Series of Unfortunate Events book. If you have never heard of these books, they are a series of children's novel's written Lemony Snicket. Basically about the three Baudelaire orphans whose parents are killed in a terrible fire. They are sent to live with their horrible Uncle Count Olaf, who just wants their money. Violet, the oldest child, is a great inventor. She can invent something out of almost nothing. Klaus, the middle child, is always reading and exploring. He uses what he has learned from books to help the three siblings through the all the awful situations they have to face. Sunny, the youngest, well she likes to bite things and seems to come in handy. Throughout all the books the three children are faced with horrible situations but they make them through together. Now finally the final chapter in the lives of the Baudlaire orphans is almost here. The last book title The End will hopefully wrap up all the loose ends. Answer all the questions the readers have been wondering about. Since the children lives are so terribly unlucky the author chooses to end the serious with the last book being number 13. How very fitting. I have only gotten through the first five but I have greatly enjoyed reading them. They are interesting and different. And I am guessing there is no happy ending. Which in a way is a good change to all the happy ending books out there. There was a movie based on the first three novels of the series that followed the books pretty well though it did mess up a bit. But what movie based on book doesn't?( Spoilers on the Harry Potter books) Now will be waiting for the last Harry Potter book. Anyway else hear that Rowling is planning killing off a main character? That's what I have heard anyway. She kills off Sirius, which awful I thought. The only person other then Dumbledore that actually cared anything about Harry. Then in the sixth book has Snape murder Dumbledore. Well Cedric Diggory murder in the fourth book so guess she is killing off a character from book four through seven. I personally doubt that it will be Harry. Guessing it more to be Fred or George though. Could be somone closer to Harry like Ron or Hermione. But kind of gotoff topic. So in October will be looking forward to the last of the Series of Unfortunate Events novels. Will it in a death? Will all the answers on deaths of the the orphans parentsbe revealed.? Guess will have to wait. Will have to restart the series once I get the last one since I haven't read them in awhile. Will be interesting to see if maybe the series might end good. Just as a weird twist or something. But won't know till Ocotober all well can be rereading the others till then.

It's One of Those Sleepless Nights

2006-07-01T02:55:00.000-05:00

Well here I go again staying up way to late. I have doing that a lot lately since school has ended. But for the past few nights I haven't been able to sleep. One night, I stayed up all night , went out the next day, and for some strange reason didn't feel a bit tired. I also had a strange dream where I was talking to my grandmother( the one that passed away in my junior year ). It was strange to be talking to here again like nothing had happen.That has been the first time she has appeared in one of my dreams since she died. I can't remember what we were talking about. More a blur now. But I know she was there. To make it worst when we went out to the goodwill wednesday I found two books by Grace Livingston Hill. She had a very big collection of books by that author. She wanted the out of print copies not the newer ones. I would look for books by her when we would go out. I never had luck finding any and that day I spot two at the same place. Is it as sign? It was very upsetting. I didn't buy the books by the way. It would of been way to sad. But I just looked at them ever time I passed that shelf. It was just so weird. Maybe it has more to do with the fact that some where deep within me I have not accepted her death. When I truly think about it it seems impossible that she is gone, but she is. In some ways I feel that she is still waiting at that house we used to live in. Sort like that my mom and I moved away and she stayed there. I know it might sound strange but that is how I see it sometimes. There are certain shows that I can't watch because they remind me of her. Basically I can't sleep because I have been thinking about a lot of different subjects. My mind is to busy to sleep. I have ruined my "normal " sleeping pattern over these past few days. And here it is the first of July. Is that possible? Guess so. Why do the days seem to be going so fast? They seem like a blur. They seems to be mixing with the following days until it is impossible to tell one day from the other even when I do get sleep. Though I will probably fall asleep later today a million thoughts seem to be buzzing around in my head. I keep thinking about too many things at once. Can't seem to force my mind to stop for a second so a can close my eyes to sleep. Will just go today thinking. Will make up for the sleep today.

Days After Graduation

2006-06-26T20:22:00.000-05:00

Days have past since graduation thought it doesn't seem that way. Days seem to be going faster now. Not sure why though. Graduation was great. On July 15 I got dressed around five in the morning. Nervous that I would fall asleep or something. I watched some TV . I was still kind of nervous so didn't absorb much of what I was watching. At about 8:10 A.M. , my uncle came to pick me up. I made sure I had everything and then we drove off. Our first stop was to pick up my mom at work. She had gotten permission to go ahead of time. After we have picked her up we started for where my graduation was to be held. We got there about 8:30 so I had a good 30 minutes to find some friends and talk to them before the graduation. Just my luck, I couldn't find anyone I actually talked to. Kind of sea of purple and gold( my school colors also colors that I hate). My dad arrived a little bit after us and he went to go join my mom. After walking around for a bit and seeing that a lot of the students were gone , I decided it was time to head to the place we were suppose to line up. The room was already full by this time so I quickly took my seat. We had been given numbers so we would know where to seat. It was based on ABC order. Since My last name starts with and A I was in the first row. I was seated beside a girl a didn't know and a guy I sort of knew. He was in my English class in ninth grade. I looked down the rows trying to spot someone I knew. Most of my friends were pretty far from me so it was hard to spot them. I did see one person I knew though probably the last person I wanted to see. It was a guy I liked and well to be honest still like. Recently I had found out he was going out with someone else. That is not what made it painful. What made it painful to see him was that I had asked a friend of mine to ask him out for me . At that time he had said he didn't want a girlfriend. The very next year I had heard rumors that he was dating someone. Recently I found that to be true. But for some reason I kept looking at him. Even though it was painful or sad. Am I crazy? Do enjoy making myself sad ? Whatever it was it passed when one of the teachers got up the quiet the room. They talked a bit. Basically just a few last minute details. Then we were instructed to stand up and line around the room. They were making sure we were all in the right order. When they had counted and recounted and all was in the right order, we were told to start walking up some stairs. After about a minute or two of walking we were instructed to stop. We stopped just before where we were to sit down. There was someone from the school telling when we were suppose to walk to our seats. Each student took about five steps before the next one went. It finally got to my turn. I walked slowly behind the person in front of me. We got to our seats we had to stand in front of it until every student walked in. Before us was a small stage where a principal, other school officials, few students that were in the student government, Valedictorian, and the Salutatorian, and some teachers were standing. Once every student was standing in front of their seats we sat down. For the next hour or so we listened to people talk. The principal of the school, some other school officials, the Valedictorian, and the Salutatorian. After all the speeches it was time for them to pass out the diplomas . The first row was instructed to stand up and go behind a curtain. I was about number ten or in row one so I had to wait a bit behind some other students. We climbed a small set of stairs onto the stage still behind a pinkish curtain. It got to my turn. I walked out. Shook hands with one the school officials,the then the principal who handed me my diploma .One we hand our diploma we walked off the stage where someone gave us a flower then took our seats until every students had received their diplmoa. After everyone student had walked the stage and gotten their diplma and was seated in their chairt, we all stood up and threw our caps into the air and recaught them. Then we were instrusted to walk out. My mom and dad waved to me and I waved back as I head for the exit. During the whole graduation I only saw a few of my friends. I didn't take any pictures. I hate taking pictures. I waiting outside until my parents meet up with me and we caught a ride back with my uncle. We had pizza and my dad stayed for two days. The next day was my birthday but I wasn't sure what to get so we went shopping sunday for my gifts. Sunday came and we went out to a bookstore and Bestbuy. I bought two games, and a few books , also a new vcr /dvd combo. My old one ate two of my tapes so don't trust it . Overall it was a good birthday. I cut my cake a day later. No I didn't invite anyone but my birthdays have always been like that since I had got older. So now I am 19!!! I haven't changed all that much. At least I don't think so. Graduation was very sad . It was goodbye but to school friends. And though we say we will see eachother we know we won't. I won't see them again unless at a store. I was never really close to any of my school friends. I still miss them. Overall highschool was good. There were a lot of changes to the school. But through the four years no real change occured to me. Maybe because to me it was school. Yes it was a big part of my life but it was not an overpowering part. I didn't have a major relationship or a terrible break up. I didn't have a fight with a friend only to makeup again. I sat there and did my work, listen to my friends talk about their lives outside school and think how much more interesting their lives sounded next to mine. Though I do have good memories from highschool I have bad ones too. Those ones that cause tears to fill my eyes. Though it is now over it still does not feel that way. I am happy that it is over but as I look back I see the what I should of done different. So now I begin a new journey. I am on a new path. It is dark now but soon it will be lit.

Day Before Graduation

2006-06-14T23:43:00.000-05:00

I know that I haven't posted in awhile. I hadn't realized it had been that long . Pretty much there has not been anything new or interesting to report. And in a strange way the last couple weeks have been a blur. Basically school is over. That's right my senior year of highschool is over. Doesn't seem like it though. Seems like I will start again next week. I know it seems weird but that is what is feels like. My last day ,before graduation that is, was Friday of last week. As I was walking out of my English exam I starting thinking about how it would be the last that I would ever be in the classroom. Walking down the stairs I thought how it would be the last time I would ever walk up and down those stairs. When I left through the door the school I was thinking how it would be the very last time I would walk in or out of the that school. Though it was all logical in my mind another part keep it from feeling like the end. It was strange and still is. It just doesn't feel like the end. Eleventh grade and this year have flown by and blended into each other. So graduation is tomorrow. I would be lying if I said I was a bit nervous. I have been quite nervous about it today that I dreamed about it. Mostly about being late to it. The teachers have reminded us so much about being on time. Mostly this years has been good. Meet some new friend. Reconnected with some old ones. The year overall has be good. The classes were ok. Some I liked better then others. Most of my friends have been great over these four years. Though we only saw each other during school it was still nice to have them to talk to during class. Though sometimes I did feel left out of some of their chats The simple fact is that my friends went to more dances and parties then I did. So when they talked about those I kind of had nothing to add. So basically I just listened. When they made a joke about something funny that happened at a party or dance and it sounded funny I laughed even if I didn't understand it. Mostly I felt left out of the parties. I might not of accepted the invitation if I had been asked but is the fact that I was hardly ever asked. I was asked once and I couldn't go . Guess that ruined the whole party going for highschool. But overall the year has actually been good. Over the four years I don't think I have changed all that much. For the most part I am still quiet in real life. There has been only one life changing event during highschool. That was the death of my grandmother. I believe that above anything else. showed me just how little time we actually have. I just can't get over how fast the last two years of highschool went. Eleventh grade and twelfth grade seem to blur into one. Seem like one was over and then the other was starting. So here it stands my last day as a senior in highschool. Kind of sad, scary, and happy all rolled into one. Sad because I will probably never see these friends I made during highschool ever again. I didn't buy an alblum or anything to put pictures of us in for the simple fact: I hate taking pictures of myself. And that's well the point of it. Scary because now I am embarking on a new puzzle as I like to call it. Highschool was like a puzzle. Ninth grade I opened it and started on the corner and outside pieces and graduation I will fit in the very last piece. Now I get a new one to put together. Happy because it is a wonderful four years of memories that I will hopefully treasure for my life. I might not recall that girl who sat behind me or that boy that sat across from me but the ones that stick the ones that were special I will recall every now and again. I was never that popular. Though I did have friends that were. Strange I know. I was someone in the middle. I had friends that were part of the in crowd and friends that were completely different. For some strange reason all my friends were very different from me. Most of them were talkative and social. When we leave from the graduation tomorrow I will finally hopefully feel like it is the end of my senior year. I will say good bye to good friends. I was never very open with them so we didn't share all that much. But I will still miss them. These four years have been quite a rollecoaster but now the ride is over and is closed. There are some things I regret . For one I wish I talked a lot more to my friends. See them outside of school. Second, wished I told my grandmother how much I loved her before she went into the hospital. Wish I was braver and told that guy I liked that well I liked him. Fourth, wished I had gone to a school dance just to see what it was like even if I didn't have a date. And lastly, I wish that I was more open to people not so scared or worried about what people thought. Though I can't changed the past I hope that I can learn from those regrets. I want to remember the good memories I had in highschool even though it changed more then I did. But overall I just want to get today over with. Graduation here I come in a couple of hours!!

Graduation News and Senior Speech Update

2006-05-17T09:30:00.000-05:00

Starting with the graduation news, today was the day that the seniors got there caps and gowns. We went to the cafeteria to fill out this survey on plans after highschool, awards, and the basics. Then we got a small purple slip of paper saying we had filled it out and that we could now receive our cap and gowns. We were then instructed to go to library where they were handing gowns out. After that a fine number of the seniors were excited to try them on. Some just put on the cap other the cap and gown. Some took pictures of there friends and themselves and there might of been a person going around to take a picture of the event for the yearbook. After a majority of the seniors had got there cap and gowns , the teachers there instructed us to return to class. Now , since this had taken up a good amount of the first block didn't really do much. We discussed the paper we have to work on but that was about it.So moving on the the senior speech update. Was my grade perdiction right? Well, here is way. I got a B on it overall. So it could of been worse. The major bad point I talked about was not talking loud enough and sure enough that was what the students and my English teacher commented about. On the interim I received along with the comments of the students, the teacher had this to say about the speech "Very interesting speech on poetry in general and your poetry in particular. I particularly enjoyed your poem "Reflection" and admire you for being able to share something so deeply personal with us." Reflection was the first of my poems to share during the speech. He then hads back the outline we had to have for it and he says he wants to keep a certain part of it. I look strangly at him at why he would want to keep it. So he unstables it and takes one perticular part of it and gives the rest back to me. The part of the speech he wanted to keep was my poem Reflection. He even wanted me to sign it which I did and gave it back to him. Someone liked one of my poems so much that they would ask me to sign it and if they could keep it was very shocking to me. I sometimes wonder if my work is even worth reading sometimes . For the most part, it is something that mean very much to me but I could never dream that it would mean a great deal to someone else. In case you have forgotten or just would like to reread it it I am reposting Refelection.

Refelection
In this reflective pool,
I stare at my shattered reflection.
It is broken into the many layers of myself.
One part that I show to the world.
The shy and self-conscious part.
That piece of me that feels judged by humanity.
That part always concerned with what others think.
Another part of me that I hide or just might show to a select few.
That part that is a little more confident.
Not so concerned of what others think of what I say or do.
That broken part of me afraid to show itself to the world.
Scared of what the world will think of it.
Another piece of me is kept in complete secret.
The part of me that is scared and lonely.
Longing for the affection of another human form.
The part that cries myself into a deep slumber.
Yet another part that is teased by the world.
Humiliated for the pleasure of others.
That part that still hears the jokes and the tormenting laughter.
Another part that acts as the loving daughter.
Trying to shine in the light you put me in.
Trying to live up to your expectations.
Trying not to fail you or fall from grace.
Then yet another that acts as the student.
The one that shares her notes.
The one that seems to be consumed by school.
That part of me that I show to world,
that shy little girl
how she burns to be confident.
Dreams to be outspoken.
Not so afraid of the judgment of others.
The part that I show to the select few,
it yearns to break free.
It hides itself deep inside my soul.
It tries to escape by the other me holds it back.
The lonely me of the broken puzzle,
how it longs to be loved.
How it dreams of human acceptance.
To feel important and wanted in another's eyes.
The part that is teased by the world
wants to yell, scream, and tell those people
that I am not here to be mocked by you!
I was not put here to be teased by you.
Do not seek your pleasure from my pain.
Then the daughter part of me is the role I play often in the play called life.
How she feels the pressure as you judge me with others.
When I fail I try to hide.
When I don't measure up to your goals, I wonder am I worthy of your love?
Then the student part of me tries to be the best.
To earn the grades so the daughter part succeeds.
I stare at my reflection in the water.
I see all the broken pieces of my soul.
The many layers of my being.
The parts I share and the parts I try to hide.
My reflection is broken, jumbled, and shattered.
Starring in this reflective pool starring at
My reflection.

Person Of the Week ....Me?

2006-05-15T19:01:00.000-05:00

Today I was working a little on my Tagworld blog. I read a few messages, updated it a bit, and seeing who has been visting. So I go through some of the people that have visited my site and I find something that was pretty shocking. A guy named Rum on there had put me on his person of the week section. I visted again to make sure it was right. Even clicked on it to make sure it was my blog. In school I have never been nominated for anything other then a few awards, but never anything that big. When I started that blog it was fun and thought no one would visit or fif anyone there would take to the time to read what I have put on there. It seems like some have commeted on the poetry and the blog it self. But when I saw this it was this person of the week thing , it showed that someone liked my site a great bit. This with the other comments has shown that people are reading and actually like my work on that blog. I have seen that not only do people care about what I have to say here but the same poems are getting readers there as well. I would like to thank all of you for visiting this site and taking time to read what I write and now to Rum and the others that visit my Tag world site and read what I have to say there. If you would like to see Rum's site here is the address. http://tagworld.com/Rum/World/MyWeb.aspx?page=3f6adf1e-5bdd-4025-b3e0-1e795c8401bb

Today was the Day I gave my Senior Speech

2006-05-15T10:18:00.000-05:00

Yes, finally the day that I was to give my senior speech has come. Overall I think I did well. I hope that the final grade will show that. As I said before the students grade it and their views about count as fifty percent and the teacher the other half. A couple of my classmates said I did a good job on it which made me feel better about it. I believe it was long enough, or I hope so. I started off which going over poetry in general. I then talked about my poetry and shared four of my poems. I was not as nervous as I thought I was going to be. Will have to update when I get the grade back for it. But until then I will go over ways it could of been better. But overall didn't think it was that bad considering I was sick today.

Overall grade( prediction )- B range

Good points- Stuck to topic.
Was sort of confident.
Maintain eye contact with audience.
Proper timelength.
Did proper amount of research on it.
Had a outline to work from.
Was ready to go when class started
Did get some good feedback from it.
Had time to researse, and go over it before it was due.

Bad Points Could of talked louder.
Should of shared one or two more poems.
Should of shared poet I like.
Didn't get a single question at the end .
Sort of nervous.
By mistake saw a score that was not so good for it.

How it could of been improved- Talk louder,
Do more research on it.
Read over it more at home.

Sometimes Those Quiz Results Can Be Right

2006-05-02T19:26:00.001-05:00

For Example this one from Blogthings. I think it summed the me in real life pretty well.

Your Birthdate: June 16

You're incredibly introverted and introspective. You live inside your head.
You spend a lot of alone time meditating and thinking.
People see you as withdrawn, and at times they are right.
You are caring and deep, but it may be difficult for you to show this side of yourself.

Your strength: Your original approach to thinking

Your weakness: You tend to shy away from others

Your power color: Pale blue

Your power symbol: Wavy line

Your power month: July

What Does Your Birth Date Mean?

May Already: Tears, Fears, and Remembering the High school Years

2006-05-02T16:38:00.000-05:00

Here it is the second day of may. Has the school year flown by or what? It seems like it was yesterday when my senior year started and now it is almost over. I have reconnected with some old friends and made some new ones online and off. Soon I will walk out of the those school doors for the last time. Though they aren't the same one that I walked into. When I first started high school my school was like a college campus but then they decided it would be better to have all of us in one building so they torn down the old school and built a brand new one. Though it's not exactly the same the spirit of the old school I guess has moved into the new one. The last day of this school year will feel like a normal summer. I will get that usual feeling of being happy that it is over and having the summer to enjoy myself but unlike all the other years I won't be returning. It is the end of my journey there. Though it is the end there it will start a new beginning in another part of my life. Sort of like a new chapter in a book. I remember the first day and how I feared entering this new place. In middle school, had two teachers at the most but there I would have six different teachers . One for each class. I also had to get used to all the new class rooms and such. The new kids as well. The first few weeks were to getting used to where all my classes were. But as the second year came around, it got better. I made new friends and got used to the layout of the school. I had to get used to new teachers but that wasn't bad since I new how to get to the classes , well most of them by this point. Then the third year came and I was a Junior. I got to eat in a special cafeteria for Juniors and Seniors. I also had a very good friend by then to sit and eat with. The bad thing was she was a Senior but for the time being that was ok. She was in my creative writing class so I talked to her then as we did our assignments. The year was going great until February. On the tenth of that month, my grandmother died. She had been sick for awhile. I missed that friday. Going back to school was hard after that. I did as I always done and wrote poetry to get my feelings out about it that made it all better. At the end of the year my senior friend graduated and went off to college. We still talk online some but not as much as we did before. So now I'm a senior. Soon highschool will be over. We will have a senior slideshow and a mock graduation in may. The juniors get to watch to prepare for next year. Then in June it's the real thing. It 's hasn't really hit me yet but the day that I leave for good it will. As I walk away and look back , I will remember the friends I made and the how we might never see each other again. I will be leaving that part of my life behind but the memories will carry on. There's a song that's called Graduation that sums all this up I think quite well . Radio Disney plays when this time come around here are the words to it

Graduation

By Vitamin C

And so we talked all night about the rest of our lives

Where we're gonna be when we turn 25

I keep thinking times will never change

Keep on thinking things will always be the same

But when we leave this year we won't be coming back

No more hanging out cause we're on a different track

And if you got something that you need to say

You better say it right now cause you don't have another day

Cause we're moving on and we can't slow down

These memories are playing like a film without sound

And I keep thinking of that night in June

I didn't know much of love

But it came too soon

And there was me and you

And then we got real cool

Stay at home talking on the telephone with me

We'd get so excited, we'd get so scared

Laughing at our selves thinking life's not fair

And this is how it feels

As we go on

We remember

All the times we

Had together

And as our lives change

Come whatever

We will still be

Friends forever

So if we get the big jobs

And we make the big money

When we look back now

Will our jokes still be funny?

Will we still remember everything we learned in school?

Still be trying to break every single rule

Will little brainy Bobby be the stockbroker man?

Can Heather find a job that won't interfere with her tan?

I keep,

I keep thinking that it's not goodbye

Keep on thinking it's a time to fly

And this is how it feels

As we go on

We remember

All the times we

Had together

And as our lives change

Come whatever

We will still be

Friends foreverLa, la, la, la

Yeah, yeah, yeahLa, la, la, la

We will still be friends forever

Will we think about tomorrow like we think about now?

Can we survive it out there?

Can we make it somehow?

I guess I thought that this would never end

And suddenly it's like we're women and men

Will the past be a shadow that will follow us 'round?

Will these memories fade when I leave this townI keep,

I keep thinking that it's not goodbye

Keep on thinking it's a time to fly

As we go on

We remember

All the times we

Had together

And as our lives change

Come whatever

We will still be

Friends forever

As we go onWe rememberAll the times we

Had togetherAnd as our lives change

Come whatever

We will still be

Friends forever

As we go onWe remember

All the times we

Had together

And as our lives change

Come whatever

We will still be

Friends forever

Spring Break Part 2

2006-04-24T20:11:00.000-05:00

Well now spring break is over. I finished most of the work I wanted to get done over the break. I started working on my senior speech. Now have to start rehearsing it. Also finished reading Heart of Darkness. I started reading Storming Heaven, which gives me a head start on that and should be finished with that by the end of week. Other then work didn't really do anything. We only went somewhere one day and that was just to the bookstore. But over all it wasn't bad. My cousin went on a trip not sure where but there you go. Anyway she is back on that so not sure if she will be staying with us again. Will find out today or tomorrow. School is almost over which is really great. Had a graduation dream the other day. Can't remember much but don't rememeber anything going bad in the dream so hope that is the same for the real thing. Also this is the 50th post to blog. I know not as much as some of the other but still alot for me. Well that is all to report right now. Bye for now.

How do you see me?

2006-04-19T20:50:00.000-05:00

When I am standing there in the sunlight
Do you only notice the flaws?
Do you see the positive?
The inner light.
A beauty that exist inside.
One the world pretends not to see.
Can you ever see past my outer skin to the me inside?
Is it impossible to ask this of you?
I know the world only sees the outside me.
It remarks on my flaws.
Degrades every one of them.
It tells me the way I should look
Should act,
Should dress,
Should speak.
Then tells me to be myself.
If I strip everything of myself to fill the image the world wants me to be, how am I myself?
I turn into a drone, a robot, a model of perfection.
Though I am perfect I am not happy.
Does that matter to the world?
It tells us to be different, to forge our own paths
Then turns around and shows an image that is impossible to reach.
It gives us unreachable goals to try to achieve.
If I don't achieve this goal am I worthless,
Undesirable,
Undeserving of love of the world?
So when you look at me, do you only see the bad, the flaws
Or can you see beyond?
The me inside trying to break free of this outside mold.
The beauty of the inside self.
The side that is harder to see.
How do you see when you look my way?
Tell me what you see.
The world will show what I should change to reach the unreachable star.
How can I be me and be the me the world wants me to be?
Do I give a part of me up?
Do I become the image and the mold the wants me to fit in
Or do I forge my own path?
How can I see the beauty inside when the world shows me beauty is skin deep?
It tells me to see the beauty in being different
Then tries to makes all fit in the same mold.
So as I stand here alone on life's path,
The world will judge me.
But when you pass by , will you do the same?
Will see through the eyes of the world or see with your own sight?
How do you see me?

Spring Break

2006-04-13T01:01:00.000-05:00

Next week will be spring break here. That means a whole week off from school. Though for most of the week will be fun the rest of it will be work. I am planning on working on stuff for college and the senior speech. Mentioning the senior speech I have decided to take Hannala's idea to do it on my poetry. I have posted a few poems here that I might consider putting into the speech. I would like the ones that visit this blog to look at the past poems and see if any of them are good enough to put in the senior speech. Also during the break I am going to try to get a copy of Storming Heaven. From what I have heard from the students in my class that have started it or finished it , they said it was good and better then the other books we have read this year. I am going to try to read it over the break to get head start before we start discussing it in class. We are about finished with discussing Heart of Darkness . It is not that bad of book it is just that since it is a college class we have to go into all the layers of the book. Also just finished the research paper on Heart of Darkness. It was one of the hardest papers so far this year. Couldn't find that much research on the idea I wanted to do for the paper but I finished it. We had to bring our rough drafts to class today. Which in a way is good because another student reads over it and we get a chance to fix it before the final draft is due. The bad part is that you have to watch another read your work and fix all those mistakes. Also we have started on peotry which is not that bad. The only problem is that we have to discuss the poems more in depth. Meaning that we have to sort of pick them apart. Up to a point it is ok until picking it apart takes away from the concept of the poem.
The cousin has left for a few days and will not be back until after the break I think. Things could always change. Can't really have her here during the break since I want to get a few items done and if she was here couldn't really do that. So for awhile things will get back to normal here. Not that is anything excting. But sometimes it nice to go back to the old rountine.

Hello Everyone. I'm Back

2006-04-01T19:48:00.000-05:00

Hello everyone that reads, posts, and just takes time to visit this blog. First of all I know I haven't posted in awhile. There is a reason for this. My cousin has been staying so I have been spending time with her and just getting on to chat if that. For the week that she has been over here, we have watched Sex and the City. Now I am guessing this is her new favorite show. Before this I hadn't watch much of it at all. So she talks about what is going on since we kind of skipped around so I won't get confused. Because of this she talks about it to my aunt. Now it would seem that since we watched something that she likes that I would introduce her to a show or two I like right? In normal land this would be the normal thing to do but in the land I live in , which I haven't decided a name for, this is not the case. Maybe its because it hasn't come since she has been here. Thats not the case. It has. So why haven't I introduced her to shows I like well to be honest I for some strange reason think she will think it is stupid. There I said it. It's more the Night Court show then the LOCI. She has seen the LOCI. My mom and her were watching it the other day at some time. I am not sure why I feel this way. I have tried to come up with a reason but have been unable to. Have you ever watched a movie or show by yourself and loved it then watch it with someone else and something that you liked, laughed at seemed stupid or just not that funny? I have felt that way. I watch a perticular movie, show by myself but then feel different about it when I watch it with someone else who is not familiar with it as I am. This is not always the case but it has happened. Why do I hate to share things in the real world? Am I ashamed of what I like? Not sure. Anyway today we go to look at apartments . She , her mom, and her brother are moving from the house they live in to an apartment. They finally found one they liked that had everything that they wanted. Not sure when they are moving in.

Hello I'm Back part 2
When we were finished loking at apartments , one of my aunts brought up going on at trip. This suprised my other aunt. The reason is that for awhile now we have not been what you call a family. It's a long story why. Anyway it seems that my one of my aunts is not ready to just forgive and forget. This got me wondering. When does one know it's time to forgive and forget? When memories are strong enough can one ever really forget? And if you can't forget can you truly ever forgive? This week and this day in perticular have presented more questions then answers. Another weekend has come and soon it will end. Another week will start and I will try my best to live in the present, leave the past behind me, and look forward to the future.

This Weekend

2006-03-26T21:24:00.000-05:00

This weekend has probably been one of the best weekends. It has been the first weekend that I did not have a paper due for English. With this free time I was able to catch up on a book I was reading. I had more quality time with my dad then I usually get on the any weekend which was wonderful and it was his birthday which was even better. He didn't have to work saturday so he got to stay later then he usually did that day. We ended watching tv and on the computer most of the time. Spent most of the time watching the History channel. He then decided to watch two movies that I personally thought were well not that good but it didn't really matter. We usually end up talking so it makes even the worst movie better. Though we didn't go out it was still fun. I mostly watched tv but what else is new. But all good things must come to an end. Now on the horizon is the terror of the Senior speech and a research paper. But will weather those storms when they come. It always seems that the weekend starts off slow then speeds up right at the end. Like today, first it was about two in the afternoon and then poff it is now nine at night. I am just getting on the computer now which is very strange. Usually I get on about four or five. One that means I have had more time to read then spending time searching which is helping me to finish that book. Since I don't have that many classes tomorrow, won't be that bad of a day a school. And its usually not that bad. I am also trying to work on a story idea ans trying the work on more poems. Not sure about the story though but am going to tyr to work some on it. So this weekend like all weekends it was way too short but unlike some of the weekends it was actaully good.

Regretting The Past

2006-03-21T01:41:00.000-05:00

Ever regret not telling someone something? Sometimes I look back on a certain event in my life and regret all the things I never said or situations I missed out on. But then its not good for someone to dwell in the past. But some days I look back at certain events and memories and think of everything I didn't say. So then I think tomorrow I will get the chance to say or take part in all the things that I missed out on the day before. But as it turns out it happens again. I sit there quietly as the world passes by and again I regret the ideas I didn't share. In all reality has to do with that to think one is going to do something is one thing but to physically do or say something is quite different. What also factors in is how will others react to what you say? When you tell someone in real life you can see in their face how they feel about what you said. I think that is the reason I don't share that much with others. How they will react scares me. I sometimes care too much what others think. I know others say not to worry about what others think about you , but I by my nature care what the others think. The other thing I worry about is if I do share something with people in real life what if they do think it is weird. I have to face these people the next day and the day after that and so on. It is that simple fact that I remain quiet in my own little world in reality . My friends in the real world don't even know about this blog which has now filled a big part of my life. Some might think it is silly not being able to share more with them or tell me you don't know what they will think until you tell them. While both of those facts might be seen in some light of fact , a part of me that is not confident about herself keeps me from sharing with them. As I look back or even at that moment think about it I regret this fact. That I can't share more about myself as I do here or with others. For now this space will have to be the shelter of my thoughts and feelings. This void that these words fill will be my escape. I will lean on the friends I have made here and share with them what I can't with the others. And one day I will be free of the cage that keeps me hidden from the world but for now I will stay in the safety of this void .

Counting The Minutes

2006-03-19T16:14:00.000-05:00

I watch the slow pace of the clock
Watching the minutes tick slowly by.
Waiting to be released from this prison.
Trying to drown out the voices.
The clock's steady pace seems so slow.
Its noise has been drilled into my mind.
Waiting for my escape to arrive.
Try to fill the time.
My eyes keep wondering to the clock's face.
Watching its hands slowly move.
I watch the others go on with their lives.
Do they notice the clock?
Can they hear its ticking heartbeat?
I can't take my eyes of it at this moment.
How it is making me nervous.
Its hands seem not to move.
Maybe its just the concern of my waiting.
My yearning to be free of this place.
Freedom is so close , yet so far.
Those mindless hours seem so long.
Why can't I look away from the clock?
Am I doomed to remain here forever?
The voices around me blur into one.
The space around me fades.
All I see, and
All I hear
Is this clock.
It has consumed me.
This simple clock.
This teller of time.
It has become all I can think about.
I try to force it out of my mind,
Try to stop starring at its slow moving hands
Something keeps me eyes watching it.
My ears listen to its tick.
It seems to be teasing me.
Is the ticking getting louder?
The rest of the room has seemed to vanish.
All am concerned with is this clock.
This keeper of time.
But my release time is so close now.
The minutes are winding down.
The minutes have become but a few seconds.
I am almost free.
Any moment now I will be able to walk away.
This clock will be but a memory.
At last my release has come.
As I walk away,
I realize the clock seems to call me back.
For one last second, I look back at its face.
It has continued to tick on.
But as I try to leave
It whispers to me.
I know tomorrow my waiting will begin again.
This clock will again become my main focus.

Hello Everyone!!

2006-03-14T19:32:00.000-05:00

Eliza has invited me to join her on another blog site. Well I created yet another blog. Not sure if I will update that one as much as this one. Well anyway another place to share my thoughts hope you all enjoy that one as well. http://Vampireprincess2468.bebo.com is the site for my new blog.

These Battling Forces

2006-03-14T00:53:00.000-05:00

These unrestless memories.
They fill my ever thought.
Seeping into the deep corners of my mind.
I try to scream them out.
They force their way back into my head.
They are slowly driving me crazy,
My personal battle with good and evil.
Which side to trust?
Both swarm around me.
Tlking in unrecongizable sounds.
Trying to block their voice out.
Can't seem to escape.
The evil side begins to take over.
The good side fights back.
They battle in the depth of my mind.
I feel myself fall deeper and deeper.
The rabbit hole goes so deep now.
Unable to find my way out.
Should I follow this path?
Would it be safer to venture into the woods?
The dark path lays behind .
The light ahead.
I am in the middle
Unable to choice with way to go.
Forces battle within my heart.
Within the depth on my mind.
I am unable to fight them off.
They take contorl.
I am forced to wonder down this path alone.
The rain falls slowly from the graying sky.
The confusing landscape starts to disappear.
But only seems that way.
It is slowly becoming clear.
As wmy eyes look along the path
It has changed.
New ways have been created.
The confusing battle has worsen.
My mind has become a battlefield.
The soliders are these figments that haunt my dream.
They fight the temptation of evil
As they try to save the fallen angel of the white light.
The path is covered in the blood of the lost.
The sight is too much for the human soul to bare.
I try to force my eyes closed.
They terror makes them open wider.
These sad children .
This boy and that girl.
Why are their faces so cut up?
And their hands , their pale hands why are they so bloody?
They do not scream.
They smile evily at me.
They come closer.
I can not block the image of them.
They seem to cut my palms.
But I feel no pain.
They cut my face.
I do not feel the slicing of their knives.
It is but a dream.
Why can't I see that.
Will this image of terror of stop.
I scream but the sound will not come.
The silence is unbarable.
The path is so dark now.
The evil seems to seep in more and more.
The light is fading.
The good side is losing.
She is starting to give up the fight.
But she stands.
The battle is not lost.
She might be weak and frail but she stands.
The light fills the path but the some of the evil escapes.
After all there must be a balance.

Favorites- Book Edition

2006-03-12T17:32:00.000-05:00

I was not into all the Harry Potter hype at first. But one Christmas I decide that was the gift I wanted. So I started reading the first one on Christmas moring and what do you know I loved it. The next month I had finished all four. By the time I got into them four of the books had been published. I happily awaited the fifth one. I got that one either the day it came out or day or two after. Read that one in a day or two and wanted for the next. When the sixth one came out I hurrily got that one and read it. Now waiting for the last one. I searched to net for all I could find on the books and to see what other fans thoughts.

When her beloved grandmother is hanged in the public square as a witch, Mary narrowly escapes a similar fate, only to find intolerance and new danger among the Puritans in the New World.

This is one of the few books that I actually read in a week's time. I even took it to school so I could finish it. It grabbed me into the story and wouldn't let go until I had finished. Also the chapters I guess you would call them are perticular short. For me unless the book is really good, if the chapters are too long I seem to put the book down or just stop reading. I remember right its about 99 little chapters the longest I believe is about four pages maybe alittle longer. This would be one of the few books that I could read several times.

This sequel to "Witch Child"reveals what happened to Mary Newbury through a young, moderndescendant with an uncanny connection to the past

I bought this one on a trip to the book store I saw that it was a sequel to Witch Child so had to buy it. The bad thing is with all the books I had to read for school and such I have yet to get around to reading it. But plan to read Witch child again so will have this one read before long.

A friend from school was reading this and it attracted by attention. So the next day I made a trip to the book store and bought it. It was one of the few books I finished in a day or two's time. Basically its a retelling of Cinderella. Ella is given a blessing by a fairy only it turns out to be more of a curse then a blessing. With the blessing she must obey any order anyone gives her she has no choice. So now she has to track down the fairy that gave her the " blessing" since that fairy is the only one that can take the blessing away. There is alittle romance in it but not a load of it. I perticular don't like books that are concerned only with the romantic qualities. But in this book with the wonderful story and the believable characters the romance becomes a wonderful element in the plot but not the major concern.

The Two Princesses of Bamarre is a original fairy tale centering on two sisters who are complete opposites of each other, but also lovingly dedicated to one another. Meryl is an adventurous sort, taking her inspiration from the famous Bamarrian hero, Duralt. She is a born swashbuckler and a gifted bard, spinning heroic tales for her sister and friends. Addie is easily frightened and content to work Duralt's escapades into her embroidery. Yet the two young women are constant companions, until Meryl contracts the deadly Grey Death, the same plague that killed their mother.
There is a prophecy that tells about the cure being found only when the most timid seek it. When the sisters' cowardly father, the king, fails to find the cure and gives up, Addie realizes she must overcome her own timid nature and try to save Meryl herself, even though it means she must face the wilds of Bamarre alone -- wilds fraught with specters, griffins, and dragons. But perhaps the most challenging part of her secret quest is that, when she sets out, Addie has only six days before her sister dies! With a few magical items supplied by her friends and a sword from Meryl, she bravely ventures into Bamarre's most dangerous regions, all hope of Meryl's survival left up to her.

I believe I had this book before the Ella Enchanted one but didn't read it until I read Ella Enchanted. This yet another book that I was able to read in a day's time. I believe I finished the book while sitting in the car. It was that good. The characters are well developed and believeable. The plot is intresting and moves along well. This is one of the few books that ever made me cry. When I had reached the last chapter I didn't want the book to end but I wanted to see how the story ended. To me, I was thrown in the lives of these characters and I didn't want to leave that world.

The infant princess Briar Rose is cursed on her name day by Pernicia, an evil fairy, and then whisked away by a young fairy to be raised in a remote part of a magical country, unaware of her real identity and hidden from Pernicia's vengeful powers.

I decided to read this one for a book report for school in 10th grade. It ended up being one of my fav reads. The theme of magic and fantasy really attracted me to this book and the wonderful cover picture. It was another that I finished quickly. I just couldn't put it down.

For Morgan DeSilva, fantasy is part of everyday life. As a screenwriter, she takes people's most passionate hopes, dreams, and fears and turns them into larger-than-life stories. At first she believes that the ancient diaries she finds in the attic of an old house in Maine are only the ramblings of a long-dead madman called Dante who fancied himself a vampire -- a source of inspiration she eagerly uses to pave her way to wealth and fame. But, now that she's reached those goals, she dreams of Dante at night...dark, erotic dreams that she fears are somehow dangerously real. For there are marks on her neck that have no other explanation -- and she is undeniably growing weaker and weaker with each passing night. The one thing Morgan doesn't know is whether the Dante who comes to her by night is a creature of darkness, hell-bent on destroying her, or if he is truly destined to be her love throughout eternity -- her only protection against powerful supernatural enemies who hunt them both.

This was another one that I read for school. Another book that was hard to put down. The characters are very believeable and intresting. I was caught up in the two kind of stories that were going on. Morgan life and the life of Dante as she read his journal. The big appeal to me is that Dante is a vampire. It might seem strange that this is the only vampire novel on the list. It is not the only one that I have read but was one of my favorites.

Favorites- Game Edition

2006-03-09T23:39:00.000-05:00

Sims 2

This game is concerned with creating virtual people and living out their lives. You get them a job, move them into bigger house, get married, have kids. On can either play story mode which gives you goals to achieve or freeplay in which you can just focus on playing with the person you have created. You can design the house they live, pick the clothes they wear, and any characteristics of the person you create. There are a variety of jobs you can pick from. One can either choice to create a success life for their sim or just total ruin it. But do be warned when playing one can get addicted. Hours can be spent designing the person and the house and living out the person or the families life. But in the end its wonderful fun. Its sort of impossible for this game to be over. One can decide to live out each job or just have fun playing freemode well the possibilities are endless. Though their are goals time can be taken in reaching these goals. You moved from your mom's house and final at the finish of the game reach a mansion. Each sim has their own personal wants , fears and needs that one will try to fulfill or avoid in the some cases. Talk and interact with your neighbors in either a friendly way or create fights between them. There are a variety of clothing options to give each sim that personal look. Have fun dressing them crazy or just bizarre. There are many items to fill the houses to make the Sims life more enjoyable. There is always something to do, no watching the game go by.

The Sims Unleashed

Another sim game. The concept is the same. Create a person and help them to live out their life. The difference to add to the enjoyment and the craziness you can now give your sim its very own pet. Give them a cat, dog, bird, or a fish. More items are added to help raise the animal. Little beds for the pets, food bowls, toys, and many more. Don't get caught in raising the sim and forget about the pet. They might just run away. The only problem is the other pets of the neighbor hood can come in and out of your house at any time. Also your pet can also leave the house at any time. There are signs to put in the yard to stop the other pets but as for yours well it kind of has free reign. You can enter the pet into shows where they could become a champion. The pet will follow you when you leave the house expect for work of course. There are also new options and items for the sim and sim house as well. Since this an expansion pack you will need the first Sim game for the computer to be able to play it. I had one girl who was cooking once ad well the stove caught fire. She was engulfed in the flames. To add to the horror her cat cared so much that it tried to save her and ran into the flames. So with the others make sure you save and save often. There are a few new job options as well.

The Sims Bustin' Out

Another sim game. As with the first two the same concept of creating and living out the virtual life of your sim. The difference in this one is that no more staying at home and just living to go to your job. With the Unleashed one you do get to go to the pet shop and out and about but with this one you will move to a variety of locations. In this one for the first time you get a car. But still have to take a carpool to get to work. Visit your neighbors as you move about the city. Again new items for the sims and the sim house.

The Urbz

Last Sim game that I play anyway. Again as the others the concept is the same. In this one you will move to new and exciting neighborhoods. You must change your style to fit in that is if you want to get into the club that each location has. Unlike the others you actually get to see your sim at work and take part in it in it. The jobs range from a model to a ferret tamer. Again you can add items to your house which is an apartment in this game. Many new clothes to help your sim fit into each of the locations personal styles. New items for the house as well. In this one there is the a way for the sim to get a pet but it is kind of given to you and not a choice like in the unleashed on. Make new friends, build new relationships and enjoy embarking on that new career.

Psychonauts

I first saw this game on a game channel that we had. So I bought. First of all it's quite weird. You play as a character named Razbutin who finds his way into a summer camp. But this is no ordinary summer camp. It's a summer camp for children with physic powers. Unlike a normal camp your merit badges aren't for how well you build a fire its for each physic power you learn. At first you are kind of exploring but then you have to meet for your first lesson. This requires going into the mind of one of the camp counselors. The first is a war battleground. Another is a dance party. Yet another is a cube since he is obsessed with order. You help them with their emotional baggage , collect figment, and see their memories. For the first part there is a problem until kids brains are stolen and they are now concerned with watching TV. You must learn how to use your physic powers as you travel into the minds of all the crazy characters and figure out who is stealing the brains of your fellow campers. But its not like you can just crawl into someone's ear and journey into their brain, no you must have this tiny door which you throw at the person head. The door will open and you will be brought into their mind. As you go through the game you enter the minds of such characters as a crazy milkman who thinks spies are watching him, an actress who is going through moodswings due toward what play is playing in her mind, man who is possesed by Napoleon and a other characters who are not in their right mind. Each of these characters must be helped somehow within their minds which are mini worlds. One is like a stage with a play going on, another a crazy neighborhood, and yet another is like a giant board game. You even get to travel into the character you playing mind. Unlike the sims this game does have an ending which I haven't got to yet. Though you can keep playing to collect all the figments and other items you have to get to finish the game 100 %. The level I have left off of is a meat circus. In this part Raz( the character you are playing) mind and the mind of the other character are in some kind of thing floating together. So you get a combination of Raz's mind and the other character's. The Circus is from Raz since he was raised in a circus and the meat part of it from the other character since his father was a butcher. At this point you are trying to help the child persona of the other character save his bunny from his father. But you also must keep the child safe from the evil bunny things that are attacking him.

Note- I know that you were probably expecting poetry well I am kind of between poems as one would say. Those these are not the only games I play these are a few favorites. Any questions please ask when you make a comment. And if by chance if you have played any of these or know someone that has please tell me what you thought of it.

Tagged By Eliza

2006-03-08T23:21:00.000-05:00

1) Do you have a nickname (other than your blogger name)? Yes

2) If so what is it?Stephie

3) What is your favorite memory as a child ? My imaginary friend who I believed above all else was real.

4) What relative do you like the most ,apart from immediate family ? My aunt.

5) Who is your best friend? In the real world my dad and mom. On here I would have to say I have three, well at least three people I talk to almost every day. Eliza, Ekkostar( screenname), and Erin.

Tagging-Axe, Janice, Hannala,Valentino, and Amy

Senior Speech

2006-03-04T16:09:00.000-05:00

It is now march. This means that only one month left until senior speeches start. In April I will have to give a speech on the topic of my choice. Big problem. First of all I have no idea what to do it on. It can be anything withing reason of course. I have no hobbies to talk abount, don't play sports, and do not get involed any activity that I can do a speech on. Second I hate talking to the class about anything. Next we have to dress up according to what we are doing our speech on. Twenty minutes is going to seem like forever. I get nervous when I have to talk about a topic in front of the class. Also the speech is being graded by the other classmates. I didn't realize just how nervous I was about until my English teacher mentioned it te other day. So now I have about a month to think of what to do, do an outline, and get any materials I need for it. Well hopefully I won't have to go first and I can kind of watch some others and see how they handle theirs. Also I need to somehow get more confortable talking in front of people.

In My Quiet Slumber

2006-03-01T23:42:00.000-05:00

In my peaceful slumber
I fall in a peaceful paradise.
Away from the troubles and worries of the world.
I become the person I wish to be.
I fall from the world
Falling through the open void of space.
Unable to control the thoughts that fill my head.
Sometimes these nightmare reflect my fears.
The monsters twisted in their deformity.
To scared to look upon them.
Must wake to drown the memories away.
Waking up screaming.
Unable to fall again to sleep.
Afraid the images of terror will return.
At time the visions are beautiful escapes.
The world that I would like to create.
One where I am accepted and perfect.
This confident person that hides in the reality of the world that surrounds me.
A times the dreams are wishes or desires of my restless mind.
Those deep desires that my soul yearns for but unable to achieve in the reality of the world.
In that wonderland of slumber
The imagination has no limits.
No possibilities seem mad or out of the reach of mind.
But he mind also plays tricks on the sleeper.
It creates a realism to these thoughts of sleep.
When the mind awakes the sense of reality and the dream world collide.
Time is needed to separate the two.
Sometimes the mind will fill the time of slumber with blackness.
Dreams are forgotten or seem to disappear with no memory.
Some are interrupted my the sounds of reality.
The mind can not return the the land of dreams.
The dream is left behind in a vault buried deep in the mind.
In this peaceful slumber, the mind will fly away.
Far into the land of dreams.
Reality is left behind.
The worries will slip in.
Reminding the mind and the sleeper of the world of reality.
In the quiet solitude,
The mind is the sleeper's only friend.
Dreams are the sweet escape from the troubles of reality.
In this state of quiet slumber my mind drifts away into the land of dreams.
Those visions could produce scences of terror or peaceful escapes.
Falling through void of space.
Time passes quickly.
When Iwake the dreams will fade but for now I remain
In my quiet slumber.

Note. Hey all. Sorry I haven't posted in a while. School assignments were taking all my time.

My Reflection

2006-02-23T21:10:00.000-05:00

In this reflective pool,

I stare at my shattered reflection.

It is broken into the many layers of myself.

One part that I show to the world.

The shy and self-conscious part.

That piece of me that feels judged by humanity.

That part always concerned with what others think.

Another part of me that I hide or just might show to a select few.

That part that is a little more confident.

Not so concerned of what others think of what I say or do.

That broken part of me afraid to show itself to the world.

Scared of what the world will think of it.

Another piece of me is kept in complete secret.

The part of me that is scared and lonely.

Longing for the affection of another human form.

The part that cries myself into a deep slumber.

Yet another part that is teased by the world.

Humiliated for the pleasure of others.

That part that still hears the jokes and the tormenting laughter.

Another part that acts as the loving daughter.

Trying to shine in the light you put me in.

Trying to live up to your expectations.

Trying not to fail you or fall from grace.

Then yet another that acts as the student.

The one that shares her notes.

The one that seems to be consumed by school.

That part of me that I show to world,

that shy little girl

how she burns to be confident.

Dreams to be outspoken.

Not so afraid of the judgment of others.

The part that I show to the select few,

it yearns to break free.

It hides itself deep inside my soul.

It tries to escape by the other me holds it back.

The lonely me of the broken puzzle,

how it longs to be loved.

How it dreams of human acceptance.

To feel important and wanted in another's eyes.

The part that is teased by the world

wants to yell, scream, and tell those people

that I am not here to be mocked by you!

I was not put here to be teased by you.

Do not seek your pleasure from my pain.

Then the daughter part of me is the role I play often in the play called life.

How she feels the pressure as you judge me with others.

When I fail I try to hide.

When I don't measure up to your goals, I wonder am I worthy of your love?

Then the student part of me tries to be the best.

To earn the grades so the daughter part succeeds.

I stare at my reflection in the water.

I see all the broken pieces of my soul.

The many layers of my being.

The parts I share and the parts I try to hide.

My reflection is broken, jumbled, and shattered.

Starring in this reflective pool starring at

My reflection.

These Broken Lines

2006-02-21T20:30:00.000-05:00

All those memories coming back again.

The fights that started are brought up once more.

Time has not healed all those wounds.

More time is needed to forget.

Some memories are to sad or painful to ever forget.

It's hard to talk like and act like all is mended.

Am I the only one that finds it strange?

We seem to talk like the fights never happened .

Talking like the scares are all healed.

It's so confusing.

Sanity and insanity are all jumbled together.

Hard see the truth through the lie.

The stories collide.

All the facts are not heard.

Memories are shut away.

When will the wounds heal?

Will this broken family ever be one again?

Our fate might be sealed in the sands of time.

Is it meant to be this way?

Only talking ever now and again.

Avoiding the subjects that would start the war.

Our true feelings our said in our eyes.

Those thoughts that yearn to escape from our mouths.

Thoughts shared in secret.

Two sides of the battle.

Is there a clear winner and loser?

Hard to see when all the facts aren't given.

I try to fine my way in the darkness.

So many voices surround me.

I want to scream.

Tell you how I feel.

Those private thoughts of mine yearn to be shared.

Tell me when we will be one family again.

Not hide truths and lies from one another.

But those memories.

We try to erase them.

But the box will not close.

In time the wounds will heal.

Or is this too much to hope for?

A dream set on a shelf just a little too high.

The calm between the two sides is a peaceful escape.

Is another battle waiting just ahead?

Its hard to cope with the secrets.

The faces that churn up memories.

Will this family ever be the same?

Will we ever end the battle?

Will we always stay divided?

Not always sure what side to believe.

Is so bad to be in the middle?

Must I pick one side over the other?

How will I decide?

Don't know all the facts.

Covered in a sea of truths and lies.

I want to spread my wings and fly.

Can I help end the battle?

Can I end the fight?

Or am I just in the way?

The children watch as the adults fight in the war.

The fighting has seemed to stop.

For how long?

How much time do wounds need to heal?

Memories always come up.

Neither side wants to give in.

When has the fighting become out of control?

Can I repair these broken lines?

Are my hopes too high?

A calm air has settled over the battlefield.

The children watch.

The adults stand on one of the two sides.

The talk in a peaceful tone.

No clear winner.

No clear loser.

The battle is not yet won.

I stand in the middle.

Unable to pick a side.

Should I be forced to?

One day these broken lines will mend.

The story will begin again.

A new chapter will be written.

But old memories won't be forgot.

One day all the wounds will heal and

These lines will not be broken.

Slipping From Reality

2006-02-14T02:31:00.000-05:00

Falling into a endless void of space and time
I leave the world far behind .
Dreams seem to come and go .
They seem to enter into my soul.
I can fel the wind's breath on my face
As I fall from the clouding sky.
The shades of blue mix into the other
Until a blur appears before my eyes.
Visible stars of space semm to be disappearing from my sight
As I fall through the night.
The houses below seem so small
A I fall past into a world of dreams and doubt
About what this meaningless life is all about.
I start to fad.
I mix into the colors of the dust.
I seems to dwell between the dreams and images that race by me.
The colors seem to fad into a void of nameless faces.
The people seem so strange to my eyes
As I pass them.
They watch me fall in the sky of dreams
They seem to yell at me but their voices are far and make no sound.
I contuine to fall into a space of reality and dreams start to fade.
A dream disappears and reappears as reality.
The sounds have returned and the faces are gone.
I have gained control of the meaningful life,.
I see the light form the through the wondow
And continue to stare at the golden rays fo the sun on the floor.
I drift back into a calm state of sleep.
Sounds mix into another and become quite and mute.
Sleep takes my mind and I fade into space and time.
To drift throught the void of space and endless star.

Tell Me Lie

2006-02-13T03:02:00.000-05:00

Tell me a lie

Tell me a secret.

Try to hide the truth

See if I notice.

Whisper in my ear.

See how many lies you must tell to cover the first.

The web you must weave.

Tell me a little white lie.

But watch it grow.

Soon where the lie starts and the truth begins becomes a blur.

Tell me a secret.

How long can I keep it?

Tease my mind.

Play with my thoughts.

Weave me a fantasy.

Show me my fears.

Show me the monsters that I fear the most.

Those creatures that loom in my thoughts .

Their nameless faces.

Those deformed identities.

Show me my dreams.

Reveal to me those fantasies that I create.

Tell me a lie.

Tell me a secret.

Weave me a tale of deceit.

Show me what I wish for.

Show me what I fear.

Show me what I dream.

Reveal what hides in the dark corners of my mind.

Tell me what looms in the depths of my soul.

For right tell me lie.

Hide the truth.

That ugliness of humanity.

The greed of the human heart.

Hide the way humans find new and usual ways to slaughter eachother.

Hide they fact that people die.

Tell me a lie.

Hide the truth for today at least.

One day I want the truth.

In small raindrop amount.

Let it sink in slowly.

For now tell me a lie.

In My Loneliness

2006-02-11T22:58:00.000-05:00

Let me wallow in in loneliness.

Curled here on this cold wooden floor.

Let me cry myself in a deep slumber.

I want the loneliness to consume me.

Surround me and set my soul free.

I whispered to a friend that I loved you.

Waiting for your answer.

It finally came

and sadness over took me.

Tears filled the corners of my eyes.

Wiped them quickly away hoping no one saw.

No. No you don't feel the same about me.

Trying to understand

I don't want to talk about.

Not yet.

I want to scream.

I want to cry.

I want the pain to end.

You broke my heart.

I hate you.

I love you.

It's so complicated.

Was I not good enough for you?

Was I not worthy of your love?

How awkward it is to sit beside you the next day.

To pretend like nothing is wrong.

To wipe away my tears.

To wear this fake simile on the outside

When I'm dying on the inside.

How hard it is to talk to you.

To pass you and know you don't feel the same.

I pretend to be strong

but I'm so weak .

I pretend to be happy

but I'm drowning in my tears.

Some day I will be over you.

For right it's utter misery.

When is something just not meant to be?

Would you love me if I was beautiful?

If I was normal?

I am meant to be alone?

Let me drown in the storm of my tears.

Suffer in my pain .

Cry myself to sleep.

Dream of you and wake up wiping the tears away.

Can you see the pain in my eyes?

Does my soul tell you the truth?

Do I hide my pain well?

I will smile .

Put on this happy face.

Then die inside in the sea of my tears, my pain, and my suffering.

One day you will be but a terrible memory

For right now you are a reminder of how lonely i am .

Let my wallow in this state for while.

One day I will pick up the pieces of my broken heart.

Tape them back as best I can.

I want to yell out and ask why.

But for right now I will say silent.

Remain quiet.

Let me be consumed by my tears.

Tomorrow I will pick up the pieces of my broken life

but for right now I am going to stay on this cold floor

Crying my self to sleep.

Sidenote-Just in case any of you were wondering this actually happended to me. Last year to be exact.

This Nightmare

2006-02-06T02:33:00.000-05:00

This nightmare
I tried to wake from the awful dreams
But it was no use
They kept racing past me.
The images blurring into one
The pain that I seemed to feel
The horror I saw before my closed eyes.
I tried to close my eyes tighter
The images would not fade.
I tried to scream into the night.
My voice made no sound.
I tried to force myself out of this slumber
I could not rise.
I curled myself in sheets.
My skin was moist with sweat.
I was terrorified.
And alone.
So very alone.

He kept coming.
Down those stairs.

I can just see his feet.
Hear his heavy footsteps.
Then blackness.
Can he see me in this darkness?
Can he find me?
Can he hear me?
Can he smell my fear in the air?
Then I awake.
The images are gone.
The world is yet normal again.
But as I fall into slumber again
I hear him coming slowly down the stairs.
How long can I make the room black before he finally gets me?
This nightmare

One Weird Dream

2006-02-04T23:55:00.000-05:00

The other night I had a very strange dream. The dream started out normal at first. Just me talking to a group of people. Then me and this strange guy went to a fountain that I had never seen before. In the dream I seemed to recognize it because I could hear myself think that if I took a picture here people would know the place. The guy then climbed into a rock in the fountain. I was the one that seemed to want him to do this. The dream me kept telling him that he stand on this rock for some reason. Well anyway some how he fell into the water. The dream me then started to worry because then seeming to not move at all I was holding him so he would not be taken under by the water. By now the fountain seemed to turn into a ocean of sorts. I was sitting on the rock and holding this strange guy from falling deeper into the water. He kept telling the dream me to let him go. The dream me told him that I would not let him go but ever time I told him this he kept telling the dream me to let him go. I woke up before I saw what happen. I usual try not to dwell on what a dream means but this one has been bothering me. I have tried all day to try to come up a meaning for this one but I have not found one yet.

A Storm of Madness from the Mad and the Sane

2006-02-02T20:49:00.000-05:00

Through broken hearts
And shadowed doubts
Recurring dreams of a timeless state.
Of love and a great battle fought through the fire gate.
A so near and yeat so far
As any galaxy's shining star.
Tears come quickly through the graying clouds
And drops of sadness drops in madness without a sound.
There is no life on the other side of the fence
That separates the mad from the sane.
In this world that we are to blame
For the misery of the few that survive the surfering
And the many that die for the ones that have suffered too long.
I will not play for their unstabled minds.
For time stands in the way of thir brokren hearts
That seem to die from the arrows that shoot them down
Into a world of sorrow and grief.
There they stand in their suffering and complexity of their fate
That they have deserved for the pain they caused for the ones lost

They see no blame in their minds of the hears they have broken
That depend on their force for the life that they live.
The rain still falls on that day
That waits for the chace to catch the few off guard.
The drops of sadness fall in this world of madness are now but done.
Stll it rains on the few that choose to exist in this world.
Of madness from the mad and the sane.
There reality is one of complecated images that can not be separated
From reality and the fantasy that minds create

Change is on its way

2006-01-31T20:31:00.000-05:00

Hello Everyone,

I have some news. I have added a new blog on another site. Now I am deciding to either keep both of them up or just working on one. Anyway. I would like those who visit this one to visit the other one. Now I will put it to your vote to either keep both up or just work on one. Now it is just one I would also like your vote on if I should transfer the items on this site to the other one. I have no problem working on both.There is more to come on the other site. Well I thank all of you for visiting this one and I hope you enjoy the other one. To visit the other please go to http://www.tagworld.com/vampireprincess6/Home. Again thank you all for coming to this one. To leave comments sign the guest book at the bottom of the page. I have tested it. and you do not have to join to leave a comment. So to answer Amy's comment no you don't have to join to make a comment. please send comments here if anyhting is wrong with the other one. Bye for now.

A Clip From A Night Court Episode

2006-01-29T05:07:00.001-05:00

Drowning

2006-01-28T04:14:00.000-05:00

Drowning

Floating in a ocean of anger .

Regret swarming around my exposed head.

Doubt coming through the water.

Trying to reach the shore.

Swimming and fighting through the raging waves.

Fighting the sound of thunder.

Seeing a light on the shore

but just to far to reach.

Darkness, terror, pulls me in.

Pulling me down into the dark depths of the water.

Trying to stay above the waves.

Water covers my face.

Breathing and air start to slow.

Drowning in a mindless field.

Pulling down the light of the stars.

Trying to fight the moon and the night.

Blackness filling my world.

Trying to call your name by you can't hear.

My voice is soft and weak.

Strength is fading.

Blackness covers the light .

Drowing in a ocean of blackness and stars.

Fighting the storm and the terror.

Drowing.

See what you can find when you're bored

2006-01-26T19:11:00.000-05:00

Yesterday when no friends were on and while I was searching the internet I came across this pretty fun site. Well they had a link where you can make fake wanted sign. Here's the one I made. Have fun making your own if you would like to . The site to go to is http://www.glassgiantweb.com/.

Also on the site is where you can create your own romance cover. Here's the one I made.

And also where you can create your own Law and Order spin off. Here is the one I made. Hope you have fun with these and the few other fun items on the site.

Its That Time of Year Again

2006-01-24T13:06:00.000-05:00

No its not any holiday or anything like that. What I am talking about is when all the school dances start. At my school anyway. We have what they call a spirit week. What happens is that they pick a theme for each day and the students dress up according to the theme. The winner gets some kind of spirit stick at the pep rally to get everyone in the school spirit for the game and the dance the following day. Sounds like fun doesn't it?? Well maybe to the others it does but to me its just another reminder of how alone I am. I have never been to one of the school dances or plane to go to any one any time soon. Its not that I haven't thought about going to one. I have actually. The one reason I haven't gone is simply problem of not having anyone to go with. Because the whole point of going to dance is dancing right?And yes its possible to go with a group of friends but when all those friends have dates it would just be worse when one gets there and ends up sitting down the entire will they watch the friends they came with have a wonderful time. And there is no reason to spend ten dollars to sit in a chair, drink punk, and watch others when someone can do the same things at home for free. But wait there is more. If you didn't feel bad enough about not being able to go because you had no one to go with , the friends that did go show each other pictures around you of all the fun they had that just makes you feel about ten times worse about the whole situation. But there's even more fun ahead. This school usual has more then a few dances over the year. So one who doesn't go gets about three or four times the reminder of all the fun one is missing out on. And of course one of the friends is going to ask this person why they didn't go . So the person just says how lame school dances are, or how they had something else that night, no money , or some other reason to cover up for the real explanation of why she or he didn't go. But it is just one of those things someone can't escape. From all the posters, reminders on the intercom, and friends. But of course there your friends are to make you feel better, well a little anyway. They try to convince you of how losy it was . Now of course if you didn't go there is no way for you to prove them wrong but from all the pictures they have took prove a a very different story. Guess it wasn't all that lame. Then for about a mouth after the dance , you get to hear about, see the pictures, and have all the reminders of it . You get left out of little jokes about something that happen during it, talking about the dresses they wore, the picture moments, and other little happens just because you didn't go. Then by the time all the talk is over about it , you get a few months until the cycle starts all over again.

Just a little humor for Today.

2006-01-23T20:47:00.000-05:00

Looks some one doesn't understand the concept of always open.

Come join us on our magical trip to the Land of Make Believe

Couldn't make it a normal 15. Had to make it difficult

You have been warned . Those red squirrels can be tricky little devils.

Just a quiz I Took.

2006-01-19T21:43:00.000-05:00

Your dream date is Detective Bobby Goren from
Criminal Intent! Who says intellect isn't
sexy?

Who's your Law & Order dream date?

2006-01-17T22:17:00.000-05:00

Random Pics from Criminal Intent

credit to h_bomb

2006-01-17T21:28:00.000-05:00

Alone

Going crazy from the loneliness.

Drowning in a sea of guilt.

Shame lingers in the mind

Falling through space and time.

Wondering past a blur of faceless beings.

Always left behind.

Doubt consuming my soul.

Lost in the guilt oand shame.

Losing my self in the terror.

Falling through the stars.

Locked away in a cell of glass.

Pictures flying past my mind.

I can somhow feel the wind blowing against my face.

Can't stop this whirlwind.

Living in my own doubt.

Surrounded by stone walls.

Watching my life fade away.

Traped inside a box they I can never escape.

Far from home.

All alone.

Trying to fight back .

Trying to see the light.

It light will not let me in.

This box won't let me out

Can't see the hope in the end.

Hoping for courage.

Living in doubt.

Solitude.

Challenging this life.

Trying to live in this crazy madness of the world.

No where to go.

No one to see.

No one to let me out.

All alone.

2006-01-16T20:52:00.000-05:00

Criminal Intent Episode of the Day

" Phantom"

Season One, Episode Sixteen

Credit for the screencaps-h_bomb

2006-01-14T20:36:00.000-05:00

Slipping Away

I can feel you falling.

Slipping from your body.

Your sould yearns to be free.

You are slidding away from me .

Falling away from reality.

A journey to the unknown.

Losing the fight.

Slipping away from the night.

I can feel you yearning to go.

Needing to be free.

Fly away through the trees.

I can feel you giving up on life.

Though still trying to hold on.

Losing the battle.

Slipping away

Time to let go.

Giving in is not giving up.

You yearn to be free.

Spread your wings and fly away .

Slipping away .

No doubt in your mind.

Losing yourself in the frames of time.

Slipping away.

Trying To Reach

Can you hear my voice out there?

Trying to reach the other world.

I need your help.

Wondering if you are wathcing.

I try to scream but I have no words.

Can't call anymore.

Trying to see.

Are you out there somewhere-

past the clouds,

byeond the stars,

In another galxy or another planet.

Are you watching life on Earth?

Wodering where you are

Can't see your face

Remembering is just to hard.

No voice to hear.

Only pictures of you are left.

Sometimes all is a blur of color.

A river flowing on a mountain top

Clouds parting

Let the light shinde through.

The simple snow of winter.

Flowers of a warming spring.

Thats how I know you are here.

Trying to reach you.

Tears filling my eyes.

Just to talk to you one more time.

Trying to say all I didn't

but the words won't come to mind.

To see you one last time.

Hear your voice just to remember the sound .

Trying to reach but you are too far.

Where are you?

Side Note- When my grandmother died last year I expressed my emotions like I ususally do through poetry.

2006-01-12T12:31:00.000-05:00

Criminal Intent Episode of the Day

"Seizure"

Season One, Episode Seventeen

Credit of screencaps to SeeShelliRun

2006-01-10T21:48:00.000-05:00

Night Court Character of the Day

Assistant District Attorney Dan Fielding

Dan is the sex-crazed and sleazy Assistant District Attorney but he wasn’t always that way. Behind his expensive suits , he was once a shy, bayou boy. Dan earned his law degree from “Bayou Institute of Law and Agriculture . In Harry’s court he has earned an impeccable conviction record actually one of the best of all the DA’s in New York. But Dan is best know for sleeping with every woman in the court house and for that matter most of the women of New York. He is often seen trying to pick a women during the court recess or even hitting on the female defendants which usual ends up with the woman slapping him. At any case he can during the court session, he is always coming up with some crude remark.

Thanks to Ekkostar for the screencaps!!

2006-01-10T18:19:00.000-05:00

Criminal Intent Episode of the Day

"Jones"

Season One, Episode Five

*Credit for these screengrabs goes to xhan104.

2006-01-09T21:56:00.000-05:00

Night Court Character of the Day

Judge Harold T. Stone

Judge Harold T. Stone is the boyish judge who also practices magic. Harry's unorthodox style includes using humor during his court sessions while treating his defendants that come before him with respect. When he's not in the courtroom spending time with his fellow staff members, Judge Stone is usually spending time in his office. It contents include his magical props, the albums and pictures of his favorite singer Mel Tormé, and a stuffed armadillo named Clarence that is keep on the bookshelf with his law books. Harry often tells jokes during and between court sessions to lighten the mood and playing jokes on the fellow staff.

Night Court

2006-01-09T14:08:00.000-05:00

My Other Favorite Show, Night Court

Just in case someone hasn't seen the show, here is a auick summary. Night Court was hilarious 80’s situation comedy airing from 1984 until 1992 chronicled the goings-on in New York's Manhattan Night Court starring Harry Anderson as a fun, Mel Torme-loving, Magician, Judge named Harry Stone. He presided over cases involving petty crimes of the downtrodden, kooks and absolutely bizarre. John Larroquette played the sleazy and sex-crazed Assistant District Attorney Dan Fielding. Through the years there were three public defenders. First Liz, Billie and then Christine Sullivan. Markie Post who played Christine Sullivan, Public Defender and devoted fan of Princess Di was at constant odds with Dan's behavior. Richard Moll as the loveable bailiff Bull. Also three female bailiffs that included Selma, Florence and finally Roz. It is now on its second run on tvland at 12:00 am.

Night Court Episode of the Week

All You Need Is Love

Season one , Eposide One

Summary- Harold T. Stone becomes a night court judge and settles a dispute involving a woman threatening her husband with gunfire.

Today

2006-01-07T13:45:00.000-05:00

Today

Today may be the day I achieve all I dream

or the day my worries become reality.

It can be a day of hope

or one of pain and regret .

A day I soon want to forget.

The day I make a new friend

The day I encouter my worst enemy.

The day I meet the love of my life.

The day I lose someone close.

Maybe a day of joy and love.

Could be a day of loss and sorrow

when someone won't see tomorrow.

Today could be a sweet memory

or just a simple thought of the mind .

Today is like every other day.

Lost in memory.

It will soon shuffle itself into the others

and become just another thought

or maybe a day to always remember.

The Death of the Night

2006-01-07T12:49:00.000-05:00

The Death of the Night

In the shadows of the world

and the lifeless void of space and time

an Angel roams , wiery and aone.

She has journyed far and wide

searching , believing, hoping

for an end to death.

The gift of a immortal life.

She waits in a field of stars and clouds

searching for an end to misery, sickness.

An end to all the human suffering.

She has searched behind ever star, ever cloud.

Every space to find such a gift .

Flying from star to sar in the void of spaces endless plane.

In the dreams and thoughts.

Searching for a gift that does not exist.

Searching in a lonely , and miserable state.

An Angel wonders alone

Forever

In the Death of the Night.

Vincent Dreams

2006-01-06T21:54:00.000-05:00

This came across during school today. Just wondering if like me any of you had dreams that revolved around Vincent. Just to note this includes day dreams too. I have spent many free school time day dreaming about him. They do make the sometimes boring day go faster. For me at least, these kind of day dreams can pop up about any time during the day. Sometimes after a particular song, or visiting some of the great blogs about him, or right after something on TV that he happened to be in. Want to share any of yours??

Coming Across My Mind

There you were again running across my mind

Appearing in an conscious dream

Looking at me with those intoxication eyes of yours

Your smile lighting up the dark corners of my mind

If I seem little distracted to the others

I am thinking of you

If I smile alittle to much

I am thinking of you

If I laugh just alittle to much

I am dreaming about you

What is this spell that you have cast on me?

How come ever little thing reminds me of you ?

Wishing I could reach out and touch you

These thoughts will have to do for now

You keep running across my mind

I see you standing there

Your refelection in a stranders eyes

I can hear you talking in my mind

Mixing reality with fantasy

Just today you ran across my mind

If I call out your name , you willl never hear

If I pretend to touch you , you will never feel it

If I talk to you , you will never aswer back

Some may think me crazy

But dreaming about you today, no one else mattered.

A Song that makes me Think of Vincent D'Onofrio!!

2006-01-06T03:18:00.000-05:00

When I Think about Angels
Artist:JAMIE O'NEAL

Why does the color of my coffee match your eyes

Why do I see you when this stranger passes by

I swear I hear you in the whisper of the wind

I feel you when the sun is dancin on my skin

And when it's raining You won't find me complainin' 'cause

Chorus:

When I think about rain I think about singing

When I think about singing it's a heavenly tune

When I think about heaven then I think about angels

When I think about angels I think about you

The taste of sugar sure reminds me of your kiss

I like the way that they both linger on my lips

Kisses remind me of a field of butterflies

Must be the way the heart is fluttering inside

Beautiful Distraction

You make every thought a chain reaction

Repeat Chorus

Anywhere I go

Anything I do

Everything around me baby

Makes me think of you

Repeat Chorus 3 times

*side note- got lyrics from Lyrics.com

Vampiric Dreams

2006-01-05T21:32:00.000-05:00

Vampiric Dreams

Can my fangs linger on your neck?

I want to steal a piece of your soul

Bite into the tender flesh

Let the blood run over my fangs

Lick the droplets away.

Linger in the darkness of your eyes

Become a fantasy in your dreams

A false memory

A dream

Fill your deepest thoughts

Know your past

Take a piece of your life

A small part of your soul

Lock it away inside myself

Become part of you

Look into my eyes

My cold skin longs for your warm touch

The moonlight engulfs the shadows

Darkness dancing on your face

Watching

Waiting

Wanting

Let the blood fill my mouth.

Dance on my tongue

Then Ifade

A shadow into the night

A wanderer

A loner

A vampire

Rain Drops

2006-01-05T20:58:00.000-05:00

Rain Drops

Watching the graying sky

Like Angel's tears, the rain falls

I catch the small drops in my palm

My face is covered in these clear droplets

Am I crying?

Is it just the rain?

Is it how you broke my heart?

My tears mix with rain.

I can't hold back the tears

Closing my eyes, I let the rain land on my eyelids

wash away the tears, the pain, the sadness.

Did I really love you ?

Was it just a foolish crush?

Why does it hurt so bad?

The rain washs it clean.

Hands raised, washing the sadness away, catching the droplets

Water engulfs me, consumes me

Let it wash everything away

Calling out your name

Can you hear me yell, scream, cry it out?

Can you see my pain?

Do I hide it well?

I can here the thuder

See the lightening flash

Feel the rain on my face.

Spinning in the grass , covered in Angel's tears

Laughing, crying,

Am I mad, crazy, insane?

Am I over you?

The rain wash me away

Consumes my soul

Hears my pain

I pass you in the hall

Do you notice at all?

Can you see the pain reflected in my eyes?

You know partly how I feel

Can you ever love me?

Friends is all we will be.

Is that alright with me?

Raindrops falling on my face wash the pain away

I am free.

Released into the falling rain

Let the rain fall like Angels's tear

Let it wash it all away

Let the raindrops ease my troubled soul

* Side note- I enjoy writing poetry and will enjoy comments on it!!

Hello!!!

2006-01-05T19:35:00.000-05:00

!!!Good Evening!!!

This is my first blog post!!! I would first like to thank Eliza , who has a wonderful Vincent D'Onofrio blog and who introduced me to the blogging world when I discovered her blog. Thanks!! Anyway, as my first post , I would like to tell what I will be posting. It will probably be mostly about my day, life, so on, maybe pics, not of me of course. I thank those in advance that visit. I will take sugestions on what to put on the blog and enjoy comments. It might take me a while to get used to blogging so it might take me awhile to post. Bye for now!!!